Anger is likely the emotion with the worst reputation. Many of us try to avoid or reject any notion that we may be an “angry person,” but anger is actually a valid, healthy, and useful emotion in the same way that happiness and sadness is. We might fear anger because we’ve seen the negative effects that come when others lose a grip on their anger. Unresolved or unmanaged anger has had the tendency to lead to violence, aggression, or hurtful words or actions. Hence, the bad reputation. But, when anger is felt, processed, and harnessed it has an incredible power to help us to make meaningful changes in our lives for ours and others’ benefit and can even be a powerful aid in our healing processes. 

When we don’t understand our anger we have the tendency to let it control us, where we accidentally release our anger in excess and end up hurting others or having negative consequences that are hard to come back from. For example, you may be hurt and respond with anger that  ends up hurting a friend or loved one so much that the relationship becomes very difficult to recover. Or, your anger may take over in a way that leads to physical violence or aggression that falls on to the wrong people. On the other hand, not understanding our anger can also lead to repression of anger which results in increased anxiety, depression, or a decreased ability to move on from hurt, loss, and trauma. 

It’s unfortunate that anger has such a bad reputation, because anger can be a good thing! When our body is telling us we are angry we are getting cues that we have been hurt, violated, or we may need to protect ourselves or make changes. When it comes to setting boundaries and expressing needs with others, recognizing our anger is an incredible tool! For example, you may have felt repeatedly disrespected at work and like you were given excessive responsibilities and have been put down in the process too. For example, you constantly feel like your drowning, but you don’t want to rock the boat or come across like you can’t handle the work It may take finally recognizing your anger to get the motivation to speak up and set more boundaries around your workload with management. 

Anger also has potential to have transformative effects in our healing journeys. It’s normal after experiencing trauma or loss to have residual guilt or shame that lingers. Sometimes, this excessive guilt or shame is a response to us internalizing the experience and assuming that full responsibility and blame. This may turn in to anger, but it becomes directed inward. “Ugh! If I would have just not gone there that night, this never would have happened! I’m so stupid!” This sort of self-talk is not productive. Anger towards self increases shame, anxiety, and depression and facilitates for self-limiting beliefs that may impact other areas of your life. Sometimes it takes having to really feel you anger related to a trauma to externalize the event and help remove the shame and debilitating beliefs. For example, “Ugh how could that person do that to me they are deeply unwell to think that harassment was acceptable! And they shamed me afterwards trying to make me believe I asked for it!” In this way, the anger is externalized to see the situation more clearly. Anger doesn’t always have to be acted on if the recipient isn’t a safe person to receive or hear your boundaries or experience but sharing anger with a professional or trusted one can provide you the clarity and relief you desire, as well as creative methods like journaling or art. 

While I’m describing the benefits of anger, it’s important to distinguish between anger and rage. Anger is our body’s response to a specific situation, event, or external stimuli, but rage is the physical response to pent up and unprocessed anger and/ or hypervigilance. When we are experiencing rage, or when our anger is heightened beyond our ability to see a situation rationally then we have to take time to physically release anger or de-escalate or mental status before we act. This is the danger zone where we may let our anger take over and lead us to actions that we may regret or that may cause harm.

It’s also important to distinguish between anger and irritability. A small level of irritability is normal when we are experiencing changes, increased stress, or changes causing us discomfort. However, if you are feeling constantly irritable, then there may be some unresolved anger that hasn’t been addressed. Or, if you are feeling constantly angry, irritable, there may be some other feelings that have been ignored that have manifested because they were ignored and anger felt safer. In this case, ask yourself what may be going on under the anger that is hurting you, bothering you, or causing you discomfort.

Reflexive questions for recognizing, managing, and harnessing our anger. 

Question

Example 

What makes me angry?

Feeling inferior, when people touch my stuff

What does it feel like in my body when I get angry?

My head starts spinning, my chest gets tight, I want to cry and fight at the same time

How do I start responding when I get angry or REALLY angry (signs to de escalate)

Clenching fist, ruminating on perceived threat or insult, snapping at others, shutting down

What helps me relax or calm down if I’m angry?

Exercise and deep breathing

When have I used my anger for good?

Stood up to another kid who was bullying my friend in elementary school

When has my anger been destructive?

Negative self-talk (anger directed inwards), overreacting with my dog and partner (my safe people)

When have I turned my anger inwards unduly? What was  actually going on?

Beating myself up over the breakup. It wasn’t meant to be. It’s time to let go. 

When have I unduly projected my anger outwards? What was actually going on?

When I snapped at my partner last week. They didn’t do anything wrong. I just had a bad day at work.

Strategies for managing rage, irritability, and excessive anger.

• Stress reduction (the more stress we have in our life the more likely we lose control of our anger or it builds excessively

• Journaling- venting, processing, and reflecting

• Physical exercise- reduces stress and channels aggression or fight or flight response

• Deep breathing- calms ourselves down so we can regulate our nervous system to see the situation more clearly

• Step away or allowing for some distance- give yourself some time to cool down to decide how you want to respond to your anger effectively

• Grounding exercise- step outside or try the 5,4,3,2,1 exercise to de escalate