Pot Fillers vs Pot Drillers Spring Cleaning for Your Mind

A Mental Reset

As spring quickly approaches, the familiar urge for a thorough spring cleaning often follows. It’s a time to tidy up, refresh, and clear out the clutter in our homes. But what if we could also apply this concept of spring cleaning to our minds? Imagine clearing away the mental clutter, letting go of the negative patterns and influences that drain our energy, and replacing them with habits, people, and practices that nurture our self-esteem and mental well-being. One way we can give our mental spaces the spring cleaning it deserves is by clearing out the things that drain our self-esteem and replacing them with what builds us up.

“Pot Fillers” and “Pot Drillers”

Our self-esteem can be compared to a pot that can either be filled or drilled into, impacting how we feel about ourselves. “Pot fillers” are the people, activities, or habits that positively contribute to our self-esteem, uplifting and supporting us in ways that foster growth and confidence. These might include practices like positive affirmations, healthy relationships, engaging in self-care, or accomplishing small, manageable goals.

On the flip side, “pot drillers” are those things or individuals that drain our self-esteem, leaving us feeling depleted, discouraged, and less confident. They poke holes in our sense of self and often take more than they give. Examples of pot drillers include toxic relationships, negative self-talk, unhealthy comparisons, burnout-inducing commitments, and habits that don’t serve us. Recognizing and differentiating between pot fillers and pot drillers is key to cultivating a balanced and healthy sense of self.  

Know Your Fillers and Drillers

The first step in fixing up our self-esteem pots is to take inventory of what fills and drains your unique pot. Start by reflecting on your current self-esteem levels. One way to do this is by drawing your pot and reflecting on how full it feels right now.  Draw a line or color in your pot to note how full it feels at the moment. Once you've done this, take some time to write down the pot fillers and drillers in your life. For pot fillers, ask yourself: What people or activities leave me feeling energized, supported, and valued? What are the things I do to nourish and value myself? For pot drillers, reflect on: What people or situations leave me feeling drained, criticized, or inadequate? What are the ways I interact with myself that make me feel less than? Write down what you come up with on your pot drawing. By getting clear on these, you can start making intentional shifts toward prioritizing what fills your pot and minimizing what drains it.  

Cultivating More “Pot Fillers”

To intentionally add more pot fillers to your life, start by practicing self-compassion and positive self-talk. Be kind to yourself and recognize the importance of nurturing your mental and emotional well-being. Setting boundaries is another key pot filler. Boundaries protect you from draining people or situations by learning to say no when necessary and prioritizing your peace. Surround yourself with people who uplift and inspire you, whether they are friends, family, or mentors who genuinely support your growth. Make time for activities that foster joy, growth, and fulfillment, like hobbies, exercise, or creative pursuits. To integrate more pot fillers into your daily life, consider scheduling regular self-care practices, such as taking a walk, enjoying a relaxing bath, or engaging in a mindfulness practice. Seek out supportive friendships and mentors who encourage your development, and take time each day to practice gratitude, acknowledging the positive aspects of your life. Setting achievable goals that gradually build your confidence will also fill your pot. By making these conscious choices, you’ll create a life that nurtures and supports your self-esteem and overall well-being.  

How to Manage or Remove Pot Drillers

Recognizing and managing pot drillers in your life is essential for maintaining a healthy sense of self-esteem. Common pot drillers are activities, commitments, or people that don’t align with your well-being. Work to identify them and establish better boundaries. By setting firm boundaries with those who drain your energy, you protect your emotional reserves and allow room for positive influences. Reevaluate any commitments where you may be overextending yourself, leading to burnout. Sometimes it’s necessary to step back from certain obligations to avoid emotional depletion. If you identify someone in your life who is unintentionally draining your self-esteem, having an honest conversation can help. Approach the topic with kindness and vulnerability, explaining how certain behaviors or interactions affect your energy and self-worth, and discuss ways to create a more balanced dynamic. If negative self-talk is a pot driller for you, challenge those critical thoughts by replacing them with affirmations of your worth, such as “I am capable,” or “I am deserving of respect.” By implementing these strategies, you can minimize the impact of pot drillers and protect your mental health. If you find yourself struggling to address pot drillers on your own, reaching out to a therapist can offer you the tools and support you need.  

Maintaining a Balanced Self-Esteem Pot

Maintaining a balanced self-esteem pot requires recognizing that both pot fillers and pot drillers will always be present in life. The key is not to eliminate all the drainers but to find balance by actively filling your pot with positive influences while managing the drainers. Ongoing self-awareness and self-reflection are essential to this process, as they help you stay attuned to the people, habits, and thoughts that affect your self-esteem. Just as spring cleaning isn’t a one-time task, maintaining your mental and emotional health is an ongoing practice that requires regular attention. Frequently reassessing your boundaries, relationships, and self-talk allows you to adapt and ensure that your self-esteem pot stays as full as possible, even when life throws inevitable challenges your way.  

Sustaining A Healthy Mindset

In conclusion, maintaining a healthy self-esteem requires recognizing the impact of both pot fillers and pot drillers in our lives. By intentionally nurturing the things that fill our pot and minimizing the things that drain us, we can create a more balanced and resilient sense of self. Spring cleaning for your mind isn’t a one-time event but an ongoing process of nurturing your mental health, setting boundaries, and practicing self-compassion. Take time today to reflect on what fills or drains your self-esteem and begin taking small, intentional steps to cultivate a more positive, supportive mental and emotional environment. Just as we give our homes a fresh start in spring, we have the power to refresh our minds and nurture our long-term well-being by prioritizing the things that lift us up and protect us from what holds us down.

Cleaning Out The Clutter

As the new year is in full swing and the post-holiday high begins to wear off, many of us find that the progress we hoped to make on our New Year's resolutions has been disappointing at best. Our schedules get busier, and life quickly ramps up as we dive into the demands of a fresh year. This can leave both our physical and mental spaces feeling cluttered. With the change of seasons, it’s the perfect time to give everything a good cleaning, including our minds. We all know the satisfying feeling of sorting through our belongings and clearing out the junk, but we often forget that our mental clutter deserves the same attention. High expectations, the pressure to achieve perfection, and rigid goals can begin to clutter our minds, leaving little room for self-compassion or growth. Perhaps it’s time for a mental spring cleaning—a chance to clear out the mental clutter and transition from rigid goals to sustainable, flexible habits that support our long-term well-being and success for the rest of 2025 and beyond.

The Burden of Rigid Goal

We all have that one drawer, closet, or even a whole room where we stash all our clutter, and just thinking about opening it makes us cringe. If we’re honest, we also have similar mental clutter. We stash goals that feel more like distant dreams than achievable realities, along with the harsh judgments that come with them, tucked away in the backs of our minds. We carry on with our lives, avoiding the disappointment of not having achieved them. Maybe it’s “I’m going to work out more” or “This is the year I eat healthier.” While these goals are common and often attainable, the challenge lies in the rigidity of our approach. Rigid goals don’t allow for life’s inevitable ups and downs; they demand perfection, telling us that if we don’t meet them exactly as planned, we’ve failed. This all-or-nothing thinking sets us up for disappointment, causing stress, burnout, and harsh self-criticism. Rather than motivating us, these rigid goals restrict our growth and leave us stuck in a cycle of frustration and feelings of inadequacy.

The Benefits of Habit Building

So how do we clean out rigid expectations and make room for growth? Instead of focusing on rigid goals, we can shift our attention to creating flexible, sustainable habits. Habits emphasize consistency over perfection, which fosters positive mental health over time. Take brushing your teeth, for example: if you forget to do it one day, you don’t throw in the towel and give up entirely. You might feel off, but you simply make sure to do it the next day. Building habits requires self-compassion, celebrating small wins, and being adaptable. Sometimes, you might have to brush your teeth at a different time or in a different setting, but you find a way to make it work so your routine doesn’t feel disrupted. The same mindset applies to personal goals. By focusing on the process and adjusting along the way, you create a foundation for long-term success, without the weight of unrealistic expectations. This also creates room for the unexpected things life throws at you.  

Practical Steps to Sustainable Habits

Incorporating habit-building into your daily life doesn’t have to be overwhelming. Start by identifying small, manageable habits that can easily be integrated into your daily routine. To help prompt action, create reminders, such as phone alarms or sticky notes, and consider finding an accountability buddy for added encouragement. A powerful technique to make habit-building easier is "habit stacking," where you link a new habit to an already established one. For example, if you already make coffee each morning and your goal is to practice more mindfulness, try practicing mindfulness for 5 minutes right after making your morning coffee each day.  

To transition from rigid goals to sustainable habits, reflect on your current goals and assess which ones feel unrealistic. Instead of aiming for perfection, focus on consistency and embrace the process. For example, instead of committing to “30 minutes of meditation every day,” aim for “5 minutes of meditation when I wake up.” Break larger goals into smaller, achievable steps and be open to adjusting your approach as life changes. Finally, celebrate small wins along the way—don’t wait for a big milestone to feel accomplished. By focusing on sustainable habits and gradual progress, you'll build lasting routines that support a balanced, healthier mindset and long-term well-being.  

Remember that building habits takes time. Research published in 2009 in the European Journal of Social Psychology by Dr. Lally and her team suggest that it takes an average 66 days for a new behavior to become a habit. This means that, in general, a new habit will take over two months to develop. Patience is key, and it is not uncommon to feel that it is taking you longer than expected to form your desired habit. Prioritize consistency over immediate results.

Putting It All Together

In conclusion, spring cleaning isn’t just for our physical spaces—it’s a valuable opportunity to declutter our mental health as well. By letting go of rigid goals and shifting our focus toward sustainable habit-building, we allow ourselves the flexibility to grow and thrive without the pressure of perfection. Mental well-being is not about meeting every goal flawlessly but about nurturing consistent, manageable habits that support our long-term health. Remember, progress takes time, and it’s the small, sustainable changes that ultimately lead to lasting growth. So, take a moment to reflect on your own mental health habits, and embrace the flexibility that comes with growth rather than the confines of perfection. The path to better mental health is a journey, not a race—and it’s through patience, consistency, and self-compassion that we build the resilience needed to thrive.

1 - SHAME

Shame often plays a very large role in the experience of intrusive thoughts. Whether we carry a lot of shame or we are terrified by the thought of experiencing shame, this unprocessed emotion can be a major culprit to fueling your intrusive thoughts and your reaction to them. For many people who have not experienced much shame or failure, the thought of it feels unbearable. Because they have been mostly successful or have had parents who shielded them from failure they don’t believe in their ability to cope with the idea of failure. Others may have experienced traumatic or negative events that left them with boatloads of shame that they didn’t know what to do with. This unprocessed shame fuels intrusive thoughts and the response to them. 

2 - CONTROL

Our relationship with control also plays a large factor in OCD. If you have a hard time letting go, or trusting yourself or others, then you often feel out of control. Then OCD amplifies as a result of trying to feel in control but making you feel out of control in other ways. Order or symmetry can help you feel in control when the intrusive thoughts lead you feeling completely out of control, but then when it becomes a compulsive need you may feel out of control again. Unfortunately, we only have so much control in life. We have to accept that we can’t control everything. Try exploring how you can trust yourself to make empowered decisions no matter what’s going on in your life, instead of feeling the need to be in control all the time to avoid any adversity.

3 - FEARS

Our biggest fears are an obvious underlying factor that spikes OCD. Are you deeply afraid of shootings, or failing, or dying? Your OCD, intrusive thoughts, and hypervigilance will be activated around related triggers. We’re all scared of something and we can’t make our fears go away- they are natural. However, they can feel more manageable or less scary by spending some time journaling about why your biggest fears are so scary to you and exploring how you can find comfort when you’re feeling afraid.

4 - STRESS

Increased stress in our life naturally makes us feel less in control and activates our nervous system. These two factors serve as a great breeding ground for OCD to spark and grow. If you are experiencing heightened stress due to work, family, or major life changes it can be helpful to understand this may be why your OCD is worsening or heightened. Practicing stress management techniques or using boundaries can help to reduce stress and the severity of the OCD symptoms. 

5 - TRAUMA 

Past trauma often directly affects the nature of OCD obsessions and symptoms and increases overall hypervigilance and our nervous symptoms responses. Sexual trauma may lead to intrusive thoughts around sexually adjacent topics. Trauma of losing a loved one or witnessing death or illness may lead to intrusive thoughts and OCD symptoms about your own health. Sometimes the OCD symptoms and trauma responses are less obvious, but often a history of trauma can lead to OCD as an attempt to avoid the triggering experience of feeling helpless, powerless, and out of control. You may be able to reduce and resolve some OCD symptoms by processing past trauma and learning to regulate your nervous system through trauma therapy with a licensed mental health professional. 

6 - VALUES

Intrusive thoughts are often so disturbing because they are in a stark misalignment with our values. If you highly value your family or pets, thoughts about doing anything to hurt them would cause significant disturbance. If you value your reputation, career, or respecting others, the fear of being “cancelled” would feel uniquely terrifying. The stronger our values the more disturbing the intrusive thought feels because it’s directly countering who you feel like you are and what you feel like you appreciate. Recognize that these intrusive thoughts don’t mean that you don’t value what you thought you did, but you are so disturbed by these thoughts because they are counter to your values.

7 - SENSITIVITY

Finally, many people with OCD are highly sensitive people which means they experience emotions deeply and often physically and are natural scanners of others moods and actions. Therefore, high sensitivity layered with the other factors listed above, like shame and fear, means you may be feeling shame, fear, trauma, and helplessness at a higher intensity that makes the intrusive thoughts more disturbing. Also, many people with OCD are highly sensitive but often avoid feeling their emotions. They tend to overcompensate by trying to be logical and thought focused to avoid the feelings which can lead to obsessive thinking. Balancing feeling emotions first or with logical thinking on a regular basis can help to reduce the OCD intensity.

Introduction to Maintaining Good Mental Health During Summer Break

Summer break is often seen as a time for students at the College of Charleston and the Citadel to unwind, relax, and recharge. However, for many students, the long break can bring its own set of challenges for mental health. With a shift from the structured academic year to a more unstructured time, it’s essential to stay mindful of your mental well-being. Whether it’s dealing with loneliness, stress, or anxiety, maintaining good mental health during the summer is crucial for returning to campus feeling refreshed and ready to tackle the next semester. Here’s what students should know about maintaining good mental health during their summer break.

1. The Impact of Summer Break on Mental Health

While summer break provides a welcome pause from the hustle of college life, it can also present challenges for mental health. Many students experience a lack of structure and routine, which can lead to feelings of aimlessness or loneliness. Without regular classes, extracurricular activities, and social events, the summer can feel isolating.

For some, the pressure of figuring out plans for the future or worrying about post-college life can amplify feelings of stress and anxiety. The unstructured time may leave students to reflect on these concerns more frequently. However, this time can also be used to focus on self-care, growth, and relaxation, making it the perfect opportunity to address mental health proactively.

2. Staying Connected with Support Networks

One of the most important things you can do for your mental health during summer break is to stay connected with your support networks. Whether it’s friends, family, or counselors, maintaining those connections can provide a sense of community and reduce feelings of isolation.

Students at the College of Charleston and the Citadel have access to various mental health resources, including online therapy options and virtual counseling. This means you don’t have to be on campus to receive support. Many therapy services in Charleston offer virtual counseling sessions, which can be an excellent option for students who may not be in the area but still need support.

Staying in touch with friends and family members can also help you feel grounded. Even if you are not physically close to your campus community, you can still engage in conversations, virtual meetups, or even summer events in Charleston. If you're on James Island or in a nearby area, you can also explore local therapy options for counseling on James Island that may fit your needs.

3. Creating and Maintaining Healthy Routines

One of the most significant factors in maintaining mental health during the summer is having a routine. The absence of a regular schedule can create a sense of chaos, leading to stress and unhealthy habits. By creating a daily structure, you’ll be able to provide yourself with some consistency.

Start by setting simple goals for the day, such as establishing times for meals, exercise, and leisure. A balanced routine can help prevent feelings of boredom and anxiety. Physical activity is an essential aspect of maintaining good mental health. Whether it’s taking a walk through downtown Charleston, biking around the city, or going for a swim, incorporating physical activity into your daily routine has been proven to help reduce stress and improve mood.

4. Managing Stress and Anxiety During the Break

Stress and anxiety don’t disappear during summer break; they just take on different forms. For college students, summer can be a time to reflect on the future, leading to stress over upcoming semesters or life after graduation. It’s essential to take steps to manage this stress rather than letting it build up over the course of the break.

Mindfulness practices like meditation and journaling can be powerful tools for managing stress. Simple meditation sessions or breathing exercises can help you center yourself, reduce anxiety, and increase your overall well-being. If you’re struggling with these feelings, therapy in Charleston offers various strategies and approaches that may be helpful.

For students wondering about the best therapy for college students during the break, it's important to seek out approaches that cater to the unique challenges faced by young adults. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is often considered one of the best types of therapy for college students as it focuses on identifying negative thought patterns and replacing them with healthier ways of thinking.

5. Taking Care of Your Physical Health

Physical and mental health are deeply connected, and taking care of your body plays a critical role in maintaining good mental health. During summer break, it’s easy to fall into unhealthy habits like skipping meals, staying up too late, or not getting enough physical activity. These habits can contribute to feelings of lethargy and depression.

Focus on getting regular, restorative sleep, eating balanced meals, and staying active. Charleston offers plenty of outdoor activities that you can explore, whether it’s hiking, biking, or simply walking around the city. By prioritizing physical health, you'll also notice an improvement in your mental health.

6. Exploring Personal Growth and Hobbies

Summer break provides an excellent opportunity to engage in personal growth and explore hobbies that you might not have had time for during the academic year. Whether it's learning a new skill, picking up a creative hobby, or reading, the extra free time can help you recharge mentally.

Volunteering in your local community or engaging in part-time work can also be fulfilling activities. Not only do they help build a sense of purpose, but they also allow you to connect with others. If you live near James Island or downtown Charleston, there are numerous volunteer opportunities to explore. These activities can provide a positive sense of accomplishment and contribute to your overall mental well-being.

7. Reaching Out for Help When Needed

It’s important to remember that you don’t have to go through mental health struggles alone. If you find that you’re feeling overwhelmed, seeking help is crucial. Whether it's talking to a counselor, seeking out therapy in Charleston, or reaching out to a support group, there are many resources available to students.

College of Charleston offers several options for mental health support, including virtual therapy and counseling. If you’re located on James Island or the surrounding areas, there are also local counseling centers that specialize in supporting students. When you’re feeling overwhelmed, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. The sooner you seek support, the easier it can be to manage your mental health.

Stay Mentally Healthy In Charleston This Summer

Summer break doesn’t have to be a stressful time for students. By taking proactive steps to maintain your mental health, you can turn this break into a time of growth, relaxation, and personal development. Stay connected with friends and family, create a healthy routine, and engage in physical and mental self-care. If you ever feel like you need support, therapy in Charleston or counseling on James Island can offer the help you need. Above all, remember that your mental health is just as important during the summer as it is during the academic year.

What Are Intrusive Thoughts

Intrusive thoughts are disturbing or unsettling thoughts, images, or urges that feel unwanted. Intrusive thoughts are incongruent and threatening to who you are and what you value and care for. They feel like you are being punched in the face by your own mind. Intrusive thoughts take your worst fears and warp them to make you feel like you’re in a living nightmare and you're responsible for it. Given this intensity, it makes perfect sense that compulsions often follow the intrusive thought. You want to do whatever you can to make the distress go away, even if it is short-lived. 

Intrusive thoughts thrive in areas that are ambiguous when there’s not a clear answer. For example, doubting your sanity, sexuality, integrity, intentions, or anything that can be easily seen or detected. Intrusive thoughts are a necessary part of an OCD diagnosis but many people struggling with anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, or no diagnoses may experience the unpleasantness of intrusive thoughts. 

Your Intrusive Thoughts Might Look Like This: 

• What if I have an STD?

• What if my kid falls off his bike and gets run over?

• What if I hurt myself?

• I’m going Crazy.

• Did I leave the stove on?

• I’m going to fail.

• What if this is cancer?

• What if the results are wrong and I do actually have an STD and I spread it?

• What if my dog dies?

• Was that a bump in the road or did I hit someone with my car?

• I hit someone with my car.

• I should cut myself with that knife.

• What if I’m pregnant?

• Am I dying?

• What if I give my grandma the flu and kill her?

• What if I accidentally said something racist and get cancelled?

• What if I never find a purpose?

• Am I really here or is this existence fake?

• What if that person wants to take my baby?

• What if I drove my car off the road? 

• What if my kid has cancer?

• What if God heard me and I go to hell?

• What if God didn’t hear me and I go to hell? 

• What if I have cancer and I’m dying and I don’t know? 

• I have cancer and I’m dying and the test results are wrong.

• What if I’m not attracted to my partner like I thought I was?

• I said the wrong thing and they aren’t going to forgive me.

• What if I’m not attracted to my partner anymore? 

The Intensity of Intrusive Thoughts

For many people, reading this list could be validating of their intrusive thoughts that activate their whole body and nervous system. For some people, reading this list might help them realize the unlikeliness or commonness of their thoughts. And for others, they may often suffer from being plagued with thoughts like these, but don’t feel the need to enact the compulsion. Either way, intrusive thoughts are not easily thwarted. They feel so terrifying or unsettling the nervous system is activated to a state of hypervigilance and urgency that no answer is good enough to calm yourself into a safe, relaxed, and mentally clear response. 

Fortunately, when we are able to see our intrusive thoughts for what they are, they can become more manageable. Try some of these strategies to work on showing your intrusive thoughts who the boss is and not letting them control you any more. These thoughts themselves aren’t ridiculous, they are often pretty common, but the intensity on the dial is just turned up several degrees too high because they feel so scary and counter intuitive to you.

6 Tips To End Intrusive Thoughts

1. Write Out Your Intrusive Thoughts

Writing out your intrusive thoughts is a great way to externalize them, reduce their power, and help you see them more clearly. A great time to practice this exercise is to write them out when you're feeling overwhelmed, but an even better habit is to practice writing them out regularly. This helps to clear your mind of them and consistently create a practice of “letting go.”

2. Accept Your Intrusive Thought

See your intrusive thought for what it is. It’s a junk thought. It’s an intrusive thought. It’s not who you are. It’s a product of either trauma, a predisposition of OCD, or your brain working out logistics. Sometimes we just have thoughts that mean nothing. Your brain is wired to scan for safety and explore options. Your brain is just looking out for you or it’s just filtering through what it knows. Your brain is sorting information which includes the facts that a knife can cut you, your car can run over someone, and your child could get hurt. But, just because your mind is exploring these possibilities, it doesn’t mean these bad things will happen! By accepting these thoughts for what they are we can change the way we talk to ourselves and the need to act so quickly or at all to make them go away.

3. Practice Mindfulness and Grounding 

Mindfulness and grounding are challenging but very helpful ways to break or lessen the intensity of obsessive thinking. When an intrusive thought comes up, practice a body scan to find where there may be tension or hyperactivation in your body. Your head might feel dizzy in your head, tight in your arms, or tingling in your fingers. Sit with this sensation and practice taking deep breaths in through your nose, filing your diaphragm or belly, and exhaling through your mouth. This exercise can help to calm your nervous system and lessen the intensity of the experience. The 5-4-3-2-1 exercise is great for grounding and being more present as well. State 5 things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste to get out of your head and back in your body. 

4. Share Your Intrusive Thoughts

Intrusive thoughts thrive on shame and isolation, so sharing what they are with someone you trust can help to lessen the power they hold over you. Talk to a friend or loved one that you believe can meet you without judgement. Or, share your intrusive thoughts in therapy or a support group. Keeping them in only magnifies them and the embarrassment you feel related to them. Don’t let them control you. They are just thoughts, but you can take actions to help you feel better. 

5. Laugh At It’s Ludicrousness 

If you can, find the humor in your intrusive thoughts! Practice this: “Ha! That was just a dumb thought. That’s just my OCD, OCDing.” and then be done with it. This skill is hard and is usually only an available option after having more acceptance and mindfulness of your intrusive thoughts. It’s also easier to use after being able to share and relate with others who have experienced something similar. This form of self-talk and finding humor in the situation without putting yourself down can be a powerful tool.

6. Explore Underlying Factors 

Intrusive thoughts can be better understood and reduced overall when we understand some of the underlying factors. Stress, shame, control, trauma, life changes, emotional awareness, and our unique values have a large impact on our intrusive thoughts. Learn more about these factors in the next blog in this series.

Ready to embark on a journey of growth and change?

Schedule a free 15min consultation with a licensed professional counselor to get started!

Talking about OCD can be very difficult for both the person experiencing the disorder and for the loved ones witnessing their experience. For those experiencing it, the disorder and its effects can feel really hard to explain and for those witnessing, OCD can be hard to understand. OCD can feel particularly difficult to understand because of the largely internal experience of the condition and the intensity in which it is felt by the person experiencing it.

For The Person With OCD

Explain Your Unique Experience 

If you’re wanting some help or understanding from your loved ones in your life, start by trying to explain your experience to them. You can break apart the different parts of your experience as explained in the previous blog. Think of explaining these questions: What are your fears, obsessions, intrusive thoughts, and self-doubt? How have you been battling them with compulsions and rituals? And how has this been affecting you? If that feels too difficult, start by letting them know that you’re struggling and need help and seek support from a licensed mental health professional to better understand your experience and be able to articulate it. 

Ask for Support and Set Boundaries 

It’s hard to ask for support and it sometimes means facing some fears about feeling like you’re failing or having to share some about your internal world. But, these conversions that may bring up some discomfort can lead to a lot of growth. If you know that there are certain behaviors that your loved ones do that trigger your intrusive thoughts and shame about your disorder, let them know or ask them to refrain. If you need to set some boundaries to have some time and space to relax or destress to help manage symptoms, let them know this too.

Share How You Want To Grow

It’s also important to let your loved ones know how you hope and want to grow in better managing your OCD. For example, you may want to

• Get in therapy or find a consistent schedule for treatment.

• Work on managing and reducing compulsions.

• Work on boundaries, reducing unhelpful people pleasing, or reducing stress.

Consider realistic goals for making OCD more manageable. The disorder may not disappear completely, but what would progress look like for you? For example, could you aim to check the house once at night instead of multiple times? A realistic goal might be getting to the point at night where you can complete one routine “sweep” of checking the house and making sure everything is in order instead of several rounds of compulsive checking and getting out of bed to make sure the door is locked and the stove is off? 

For The Loved One Supporting Someone With OCD

Learn What OCD Is - And Isn’t 

A great way to start understanding more about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and how it’s affecting your loved one, is by checking out the first blog of this series to get an overview. Know that OCD is not “just anxiety,” or that your partner is not a “clean freak.” Know that OCD is a mental health disorder that typically feels very much out of their control. Ask your partner to describe their OCD to you.

Understand How Real Their Fears Feel

Although your loved one’s fears or concerns may seem irrational, false, or unlikely, the nature of OCD makes these fears feel incredibly real. It’s likely not helpful to try to convince them otherwise when they are wrapped up and consumed by an obsession. It’s going to be hard to support your loved one if you can’t accept how real these fears feel to them. Try thinking this: Imagine being flooded with out of control thoughts telling you that your worst fear is happening and it feels completely real- how miserable would that be? Start from this place of empathy and then get curious about how you can help your loved one better manage these fears.

Practice Patience and Reduce Judgement

Know that OCD can cause a lot of distress and shame. Try to let go of judgment of your partner to help lessen the distress. Your partner likely has some awareness that their fears and doubts are unrealistic, but they are affecting them tremendously nonetheless. OCD can make people feel very alone, afraid, embarrassed, especially when people feel like it’s out of control and not managed. Be patient with them! It takes time to learn the skills to manage OCD. Give them space to respond to symptoms as they pop up.

Ask About Boundaries And Triggers

After learning more about how OCD affects your loved one’s life. Ask how you might help avoid triggering shame or heightening their symptoms. What are some topics, news stories, or situations that cause their OCD to flare? Ask how you can help them manage symptoms or feel more at ease. Help them explore where they can set boundaries to reduce excessive stress in their life or routine. 

Encourage Growth

Sometimes loved ones worry that if they don’t push or challenge the OCD that their loved one will never be happy. Their symptoms of OCD may be affecting you too. Let them know how hard it is to see them struggle and if it’s affecting you as well without blaming.

For example:

“I feel (xxx), when you (xxx) I know this is hard for you, but our relationship is important to me and I want to explore ways to make it healthier.”

Ask how they would know their OCD is manageable and what you or they can do to help get to a manageable place. When in doubt refer out and encourage therapy and treatment!

Promote Relaxation and Distraction 

The intensity of OCD symptoms can be managed better by reducing stress and practicing more relaxing and distracting activities! What can y’all do together? Mindful, creative, intellectual, and active hobbies are a great way to improve your relationship and help them manage their OCD. Try yoga, painting, building, walks, hikes, cooking or baking together, puzzles, games, or any activities that are shared interests.

What Is “OCD”?

OCD is a commonly referenced acronym for the mental health disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Many people have heard of the term OCD and have a preconceived notion of what this disorder means. Common misconceptions are that it means someone is a “clean freak,” "perfectionist," "type A," or that they can’t leave the house. These are mostly just stereotypes.

While OCD may involve compulsions around cleanliness and order for some, this is not a defining feature of the disorder. Many people with OCD defy these stereotypes—they may be high-functioning, successful, and unconcerned with whether the counters are clean.

OCD is also not just heightened anxiety. A diagnosis of OCD does require the presence of anxious or intrusive thoughts, but these thoughts are so overwhelming that they become “obsessions.” A key component of OCD is that obsessions are followed by compulsive actions. Together, the obsession and compulsion cause dysfunction, dissatisfaction, or impairment to the person’s life and overall wellbeing.

The “O” in OCD: Obsessions

The “O” in Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder stands for “obsessive.” Obsessions are intrusive or unwanted thoughts, urges, or impulses that are persistent and consistent.

What sets obsession apart from general anxiety is how disturbing or distressing the thoughts, images, or impulses are. These thoughts feel so unsettling that the person feels compelled to act to make them go away.

Obsessions may include:

• Unwanted or taboo thoughts, such as imagining yourself doing something you would never intentionally do (e.g., hurting yourself or others).

• Fearful thoughts, like losing control, contaminating others, or spreading disease.

• Order-related impulses, such as needing things to be arranged “just right” in a way only the person with OCD can identify.

Often, these core fears overlap, such as a fear of contamination combined with a fear of harming others. For example, someone with OCD might have a terrifying thought that they unknowingly engaged in unsafe sex, contracted AIDS, and are now spreading it to others.

Living with these distressing thoughts can feel like a personal hell because the thoughts contradict the person’s values, making them feel uniquely scary and uncontrollable. The incongruence between intrusive thoughts and personal beliefs makes the thoughts feel real, adding to the distress.

The “C” in OCD: Compulsions

The “C” in Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder stands for “compulsive.” Compulsions are repetitive actions or mental rituals performed to calm, neutralize, or reduce the distress caused by obsessions.

Compulsions may involve:

• External actions: Handwashing to remove perceived “contamination” or driving back around the block to check you didn’t hit someone.

• Internal rituals: Praying, counting, or mentally reviewing events.

While compulsions provide temporary relief, this relief is usually short-lived and leads to more distress. The fleeting relief reinforces the need to repeat the behavior whenever the obsession arises, and over time, the compulsion can take on a life of its own. For example, handwashing might escalate into excessive handwashing, then excessive showering, and eventually avoiding certain places altogether. At this point, the person’s life becomes consumed not only by the obsession but also by the compulsion.

The “D” in OCD: Disorder

The “D” in OCD stands for “disorder,” which is an important distinction. It separates those with occasional OCD tendencies from those who meet the criteria for a diagnosis.

To be diagnosed, obsessions and compulsions must:

1. Be time-consuming, taking more than one hour per day, or

2. Cause significant impairment in daily life, such as difficulty functioning socially, occupationally, or in other important areas.

Having intrusive thoughts or a preference for cleanliness or order doesn’t necessarily mean you have OCD. If the obsessions and compulsions aren’t paired, aren’t daily and time-consuming, or don’t disrupt your life, they likely don’t meet the criteria for OCD.

Coping With OCD:

OCD is not a death sentence and can be managed. However, it thrives on shame and isolation, so seeking treatment or sharing your experience with others can help tremendously.

In the three remaining blogs in this series, you’ll learn more about how to talk to your loved ones about OCD, manage intrusive and obsessive thoughts, and explore some of the underlying factors of OCD.

Listening to Your Wise Mind: Finding Clarity Amid Chaos

Have you ever felt pulled in different directions by your thoughts and emotions, unsure which voice to trust? One moment, you might feel anxious and panicked, convinced you need to act immediately. The next, you might hear a voice telling you to avoid the situation altogether. Somewhere in the middle, though, is another voice—quieter, calmer, and deeply intuitive. This is your “wise mind,” the part of you that knows what you truly need and how to navigate life’s challenges with clarity and balance.

In this blog, we’ll explore how to recognize and listen to your wise mind, even when it feels drowned out by internal noise. By tapping into this inner resource, you can make decisions that align with your values and move through life’s ups and downs with greater confidence.

Understanding Your Inner Voices

Each of us has different parts of ourselves that show up in response to life’s challenges. Some of these parts are driven by fear or frustration, while others are more nurturing or encouraging. For example:

• The Fixer: This part might push you to take immediate action to solve a problem, even if you’re not sure it’s the right move.

• The Avoider: This part might encourage you to retreat or distract yourself, hoping the issue will go away on its own.

• The Critic: This part might shame or scold you, thinking it’s keeping you motivated or safe.

These voices often have good intentions, like protecting you from harm or helping you succeed. But they’re not always in touch with the bigger picture. When they’re too loud, they can lead to stress, indecision, or actions you later regret. That’s where your wise mind comes in.

What Is the Wise Mind?

Your wise mind is the part of you that sees beyond fear, urgency, or self-criticism. It holds a grounded perspective, balancing logic and emotion to guide you toward what’s truly best for you. Unlike the other voices, your wise mind doesn’t shout or demand attention. It’s calm, steady, and often subtle—like a deep sense of knowing.

Tapping into your wise mind allows you to:

• Make decisions that align with your values.

• Respond rather than react to challenging situations.

• Feel more grounded and less overwhelmed.

How to Hear Your Wise Mind

Listening to your wise mind takes practice, especially if you’re used to reacting quickly to the louder voices in your head. Here are some steps to help you tune in:

1. Pause and Breathe

When you feel overwhelmed or unsure, the first step is to slow down. Take a few deep breaths and notice how you’re feeling in your body. This helps create space for your wise mind to emerge.

For example, if you’re faced with a tough decision, pause before acting. Let the initial wave of urgency or emotion settle so you can approach the situation with clarity.

2. Identify the Voices

Pay attention to the different thoughts or emotions you’re experiencing. Are you hearing a voice that’s panicked or critical? Or one that’s urging you to escape or avoid? Recognizing these inner voices can help you separate them from your wise mind.

You might say to yourself, “I hear the Fixer telling me to act immediately, but I’m not sure if that’s the right move. What does my calm, grounded self think?”

3. Ask for Guidance

Once you’ve quieted the noise, turn inward and ask yourself, “What do I truly need right now?” or “What choice feels most aligned with who I want to be?” Listen for the quiet, steady response—it might come as a thought, a feeling, or a sense of knowing.

4. Trust the Process

Your wise mind may not always give you a perfect answer, but it will guide you toward what feels right in the moment. Trusting this part of yourself can feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you’re used to relying on logic or urgency. But over time, the more you listen to your wise mind, the stronger and clearer it becomes.

Examples of Listening to Your Wise Mind

Let’s look at a few everyday scenarios where your wise mind might help:

• Work Stress: Imagine you’re overwhelmed with deadlines and feel panicked to get everything done. The Fixer might push you to work late into the night, while the Avoider might urge you to procrastinate. Your wise mind, however, might suggest prioritizing the most critical tasks and setting boundaries around your time.

• Conflict with a Partner: During an argument, the Critic might urge you to say something hurtful, while the Avoider might push you to shut down. Your wise mind might encourage you to take a breath, express your feelings calmly, and listen to your partner’s perspective.

• Parenting Challenges: When your child is having a meltdown, you might feel the urge to react out of frustration or to give in to avoid conflict. Your wise mind, however, might guide you to stay patient, set a boundary, and offer reassurance.

Cultivating a Relationship with Your Wise Mind

Listening to your wise mind is like building a relationship with a trusted friend. It requires patience, curiosity, and practice. The more you tune in, the more you’ll notice its presence—even in the most chaotic moments.

Start small. Practice pausing, identifying your inner voices, and asking for guidance in everyday situations. Over time, you’ll find that your wise mind becomes a reliable anchor, helping you navigate life’s challenges with clarity and confidence.

Remember, your wise mind is always there, waiting to guide you. All you have to do is listen.

When life feels heavy and stuck—when it seems like our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are caught in unbreakable loops—it’s easy to feel as though change is impossible. But our brains tell a different story. Science has revealed an astonishing truth: the brain is not static. It is plastic, capable of reshaping itself, forging new connections, and breaking old patterns. This innate ability to transform holds profound hope for anyone who feels trapped in their circumstances.

The story of neuroplasticity—the brain’s ability to adapt and rewire—offers a perspective of transformational change. This isn’t about minor tweaks to existing patterns; it’s about profound shifts that redefine our outlook on life.

A Brain That Adapts and Grows

Neuroplasticity is the scientific term for the brain’s ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections. This capacity allows us to adapt, learn, and recover even when faced with significant challenges. For example, someone who has spent years feeling unworthy of love might, through therapy and new relationships, challenge this narrative. Over time, their brain creates new pathways, replacing self-doubt with self-acceptance.

But neuroplasticity is not just a scientific concept—it’s a metaphor for life’s ability to surprise us. Just as the brain can forge new paths, so too can we encounter experiences that completely shift our perspectives. Sometimes, these shifts come when we least expect them, reminding us that the future is always unwritten.

Lessons from Literature: Embracing the Unpredictable

Writers and poets have long captured the essence of life’s unpredictability and its capacity for transformation. Their words remind us that what seems permanent often isn’t—and that the future holds possibilities beyond our imagination.

Consider Rainer Maria Rilke’s wisdom: “Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves… Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” Rilke’s words reflect the essence of neuroplasticity. Just as our brains adapt and grow, so too can we embrace the uncertainties of life, trusting that clarity and growth will emerge in time.

Or think of Mary Oliver’s poem, The Summer Day, in which she writes: “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” Oliver’s call to savor life’s fleeting beauty mirrors the idea of transformative change. It challenges us to step beyond old patterns and engage with life’s boundless potential.

The Hope of Paradigm Shifts

While first-order change involves small, incremental improvements (ie doing more of the same thing/just trying harder), second-order change is transformative. It’s the kind of shift that allows us to see the world—and ourselves—in completely new ways. For example, someone who views failure as a personal shortcoming might, through reflection and growth, come to see it as a necessary step toward success. This shift doesn’t just change how they approach failure—it changes their entire relationship with risk and opportunity.

Such shifts often require us to question our deepest assumptions. They invite us to explore the stories we tell ourselves and consider alternative narratives. And while this process can be uncomfortable, it is also profoundly liberating.

Aging and the Beauty of Perspective

One of the greatest gifts of neuroplasticity is its reminder that we are never too old to change. Aging often brings wisdom, perspective, and a capacity to appreciate life’s subtleties. George Eliot captured this beautifully when she wrote, “It is never too late to be what you might have been.”

With age, we often gain the ability to find joy in unexpected places. We learn to value the present moment, to cherish relationships, and to find meaning in experiences that once seemed mundane. This perspective is a testament to life’s capacity for renewal—a capacity that mirrors the brain’s own adaptability.

Trusting in Uncertainty

Neuroplasticity teaches us that change is possible, but it also reminds us that growth often unfolds in unpredictable ways. Just as the brain’s pathways are complex and ever-changing, so too is life. Many of the most profound changes we experience are those we couldn’t have planned or predicted.

Consider the unexpected friendships that transform us, the passions discovered later in life, or the opportunities that emerge from setbacks. These moments remind us that life’s beauty often lies in its unpredictability. By letting go of rigid expectations, we create space for these surprises to enrich our lives.

A Call to Embrace Change

If you feel stuck, remember this: your brain is designed to adapt and grow. You have the capacity to break old patterns, shift your perspective, and embrace a future you can’t yet imagine. Trust in the process of change, even when it feels slow or uncertain. Be patient with yourself, and allow your life to unfold in ways you never expected.

As you move forward, take inspiration from the poets and writers who remind us of life’s boundless possibilities. And know that within you, at this very moment, is the power to transform—to see the world, and yourself, in a completely new light.

Navigating Disordered Eating Triggers During the Holidays, Part 2

 We are over halfway into the holiday season and at this point, you may be feeling overwhelmed or anxious. Navigating disordered eating triggers is a daily effort, and the holiday stress may be making this more difficult. This week we are discussing three more strategies that can be helpful during this time.

 Social Media and the Pressure of Perfection

During the holidays, social media is flooded with images of perfectly styled tables, happy families, and holiday fashion. This constant stream of curated, idealized images can lead to body comparison and feelings of inadequacy. It can also bring up feelings of shame and despair.

Trigger: Body Comparison and Unrealistic Standards

Scrolling through social media can make you feel like your body doesn’t measure up to the "ideal" you see online, which can lead to unhealthy body image thoughts and disordered eating behaviors, like excessive dieting, exercising, or bingeing.

Strategy: Curate Your Feed

Take control of your social media experience by unfollowing or muting accounts that promote unrealistic body standards or diet culture. Follow accounts that promote body-neutrality or body-positivity and that validate your experience. Finally, try removing social media apps from your phone so it is more difficult to access them. Limiting your time on social media also allows you to be more present during your real-life holiday experiences and helps you avoid harmful messaging.

Emotional Eating Triggers During Holiday Stress

The holidays can be emotionally overwhelming. While they can bring joy, they can also bring up feelings of stress, grief, or loneliness, which may lead to emotional eating.

Trigger: Emotional Stress and Coping with Food

Food is often used as a way to cope with difficult emotions, especially during the holidays. When emotions feel unmanageable, those with disordered eating habits turn to food, dieting, weight loss, and exercise to avoid or manage the emotions. Emotional eating during the holidays is common, but it can be triggering for those who are struggling with disordered eating.

Strategy: Healthy Coping Mechanisms

When possible, take some quiet time alone to check in with your emotions. Ask yourself what you are feeling and be curious about what your emotions are telling you. If you feel overwhelmed or dysregulated, engage in coping mechanisms such as journaling, meditating, or confiding in a trusted friend or family member. Taking a walk outside is another way to recenter yourself. This is a challenging time so, above all, try and be gentle with yourself.

The Holiday Focus on Appearance and “New Year, New You” Messaging

The end of the year often comes with the pressure of setting resolutions, many of which focus on body changes, weight loss, or dieting. The onslaught of “New Year, New You” messaging can make individuals feel like their worth is directly correlated to their weight or physical appearance.

Trigger: Diet Culture and Weight Loss Pressure

Media outlets often highlight quick fixes for weight loss and promote unrealistic, unhealthy beauty standards. These messages ca make people feel pressured to focus on dieting, restricting food, or overexercising during and after the holidays.

Strategy: Shift the Focus to Health, Not Appearance

Instead of making weight loss or appearance-related resolutions, focus on goals that promote overall well-being, such as mental health, self-compassion, or enhancing your social connections. Embrace a more holistic approach to health by prioritizing nourishing your body with balanced meals and engaging in movement that feels good—going on walks and practicing yoga are two places to start.

Conclusion

The holidays can be a difficult time for individuals with disordered eating, but by checking in with yourself and engaging with self-care, it’s possible to navigate this season with less stress. Focus on self-compassion, social connection, and staying present in the moment. If you find that triggers become overwhelming, don’t hesitate to seek support from a trusted mental health professional.

Navigating Disordered Eating Triggers During the Holidays, Part 1

The holidays are often seen as a time of celebration and spending meaningful time with loved ones. Yet, for many individuals struggling with negative body image or disordered eating behaviors, the holidays can present a minefield of triggers. The combination of food-centered gatherings, social events, and societal pressures can intensify eating-related anxieties and self-criticism. Emotions are also heightened during the holidays, and when emotions become overwhelming, many of us turn disordered eating behaviors to manage them. Understanding what our triggers are and developing strategies to manage them is necessary for maintaining emotional well-being during this time. In this post, we’ll explore some common triggers for disordered eating during the holidays and share tips on how to navigate them in a healthier way.

The Pressure of Holiday Feasts and Food-Centered Events

For many, the holidays are synonymous with food—large meals and endless desserts. While food is meant to be enjoyed, it can also bring stress and anxiety for those struggling with disordered eating. Many are also away from home during the holidays and often not in control of the food that is served. All these factors can lead to feelings of overwhelm and stress.

Trigger: Mealtimes

Holiday meals are often larger and richer than usual, and this can trigger feelings of guilt, shame, or anxiety about eating. People with restrictive eating habits or those who struggle with binge eating may worry about not staying in control.

Strategy: Practice Mindful Eating

During mealtimes, try to be present in the moment. Practice mindful eating by eating slowly and savoring each bite; notice the taste and texture of each food. Listen to your body’s hunger cues and notice when you are feeling hungry and when you are feeling full. Focus on the enjoyment of the meal and pay attention to how you feel before, during, and after meals. And remember that different types of food are not good or bad, they are simply food. However, improving body image can significantly enhance self-esteem. When we learn to accept and appreciate our bodies, regardless of their shape or size, we can develop a deeper sense of self-worth that isn’t dependent on external validation. There isn’t a quick fix, but there are some helpful ways to engage with your body image in a different way. 

Lack of Routine and Structure

Holidays often disrupt regular routines. Traveling to see loved ones, attending holiday parties, and managing schedule changes can lead to inconsistent eating patterns. For those who rely on structure to manage their eating habits, this lack of routine can lead to increased anxiety, overconsumption, or restricting food intake.

Trigger: Disruption of Routine

For individuals with disordered eating habits, the disruption of regular meal schedules can lead to heightened stress. The lack of structure of normal mealtimes may lead to eating more due to fear of not having access to food later or avoid eating altogether.

Strategy: Create a Flexible Routine

While flexibility is key during the holidays, you can still try to maintain a balanced routine. Try to incorporate the parts of your routine that you are able to. For example, going to bed and waking up at similar times, or going on a daily walk, if that is what you are used to. If you have a regular eating schedule, it can be helpful to bring nourishing snacks to eat if you get hungry between meals. Continue to engage in self-care practices that are helpful to you, such as journaling or meditation. Think ahead in order to accommodate your needs, but remember be kind to yourself if things don’t go the way you planned.

Family Dynamics and Unwanted Comments

For many, family gatherings during the holidays come with both the joy of spending time with loved ones and the stress of navigating family dynamics. Unfortunately, some family members may inadvertently make comments about food choices, weight, or appearance that are harmful, especially to someone struggling with disordered eating or negative body image.

Trigger: Comments About Weight, Appearance, and Eating Habits

Whether it’s a passing remark about how much you’re eating, unsolicited comments about your body, or pressure to eat more or less than you feel comfortable with, these situations can trigger feelings of shame and anxiety or lead to disordered eating behaviors.

Strategy: Set Boundaries and Practice Assertiveness

Setting clear boundaries with family members about your body and eating habits can help mitigate harmful situations. If someone comments on your weight, appearance, or eating behaviors, politely but firmly explain that you prefer not to discuss these topics and that such comments are unhelpful. It can also be beneficial to proactively communicate your needs to family members and ask them ahead of time to avoid making comments about physical appearances, food intake, and dieting. It is important to note that comments that some people consider to be compliments can be harmful to someone struggling with disordered eating. Finally, this is a time to lean on social connections who are supportive and understanding of the challenges you are experiencing.

Putting It All Together

This can be a challenging time of year, but putting these strategies into practice can help alleviate some of the anxiety around eating habits during the holidays. The most important strategy is to practice self-compassion and give yourself grace during this time. Check back next week for more strategies.

Exploring the Connection Between Body Image and Self-Esteem

Body image and self-esteem are deeply intertwined, influencing how we perceive ourselves, our worth, and our place in the world. A negative body image can damage our confidence, mental health, and overall sense of self-worth, while a positive body image or neutral body image can foster self-acceptance, emotional resilience, and a healthier relationship with food. Here are some strategies that can be helpful in shifting your relationship to your body. 

Recognize the Connection Between Body Image and Self-Esteem

It’s important to understand how body image and self-esteem are connected. Body image refers to how we perceive, think, and feel about our bodies, while self-esteem is our overall sense of self-worth. Negative body image can directly impact self-esteem, leading to feelings of inadequacy, shame, or guilt. When we tie our self-worth to how we look, it becomes harder to feel good about ourselves in a society that promotes often unattainable beauty standards.

However, improving body image can significantly enhance self-esteem. When we learn to accept and appreciate our bodies, regardless of their shape or size, we can develop a deeper sense of self-worth that isn’t dependent on external validation. There isn’t a quick fix, but there are some helpful ways to engage with your body image in a different way. 

Focus on What Your Body Can Do, Not Just How It Looks

It’s easy to get caught up in how we look, especially with ever changing, impossible-to-meet beauty standards. However, when we shift our focus to what our bodies are capable of, we can cultivate a greater appreciation for ourselves beyond appearance. When we focus on the functionality of our bodies, rather than on our appearance, we can tap into a greater sense of gratitude. 

Strategy: Practice Gratitude

Take a moment each day to reflect on what your body can do. You might appreciate how you are able to go on a walk, hug your family member, or stretch when you wake up in the morning. This practice of body gratitude can help you see your body as a source of strength rather than something to be critiqued.

Practice Self-Care That Nourishes Your Body and Mind

We can enhance self-esteem through treating your body and mind with care, love, and respect. This means prioritizing self-care routines that nourish your emotional and physical health, rather than only focusing on outside appearance. 

Strategy: Develop a Holistic Self-Care Routine

• Physical Nourishment: Fuel your body with balanced meals that give you energy and joy. Avoid labeling foods as "good" or "bad." Instead, embrace variety and eat foods that are satisfying to you. Remember- food is food. 

• Feel-Good Movement: Engage in physical activities that make you feel strong and energized. The goal is to focus on how movement makes you feel, not how it shapes your body, so try and find something you enjoy!

• Mental and Emotional Nourishment: Practice mindfulness, journaling, or meditation to cultivate a positive inner dialogue and manage stress. Invest time in supportive social connections. Take time alone to examine your emotions. 

Set Boundaries with Negative Body Talk

Negative body talk is pervasive, whether it’s comments from family members, friends, or even yourself. Overhearing or participating in these conversations can trigger insecurity and reinforce harmful beliefs about our bodies.

Strategy: Speak Up and Set Boundaries

• Assertively let others know that you don’t participate in conversations that focus on weight, diets, or appearance. You can say something like, “I prefer not to discuss weight or body image. Let’s talk about something else.”

• When you catch yourself engaging in negative body talk, pause and choose to redirect your focus. Replace critical comments with a positive affirmation or redirect the conversation to something unrelated to appearance.

Seek Professional Support If Needed

If negative body image or low self-esteem is significantly affecting your daily life, relationships, or mental health, seeking professional support can be incredibly helpful. Therapists specializing in body image, self-esteem, or eating disorders can provide you with tools to address deeper emotional issues and guide you on the path to healing.

Conclusion

Improving body image and building self-esteem is a journey, not a destination. It takes time, effort, and practice to shift negative thought patterns and replace them with kindness and compassion. Remember, you are so much more than your physical appearance. By challenging negative thoughts, focusing on your body’s functionality, and practicing self-care, you can build a healthier relationship with yourself—one rooted in acceptance and respect. The most important thing is to be patient and gentle with yourself as you work toward self-acceptance and increased self-esteem.

Creating New Traditions to Strengthen Family Bonds - Family Dynamics and the Holidays Part 4

As we enter a time of year that is often filled with cherished memories and beloved traditions, you may confront the challenging reality that some traditions may no longer be attainable or relevant. As families evolve, so do the rituals that define their celebrations. It can be difficult to make space for new traditions and experiences that honor both the past and present. It requires flexibility and openness to move towards deeper connections and unity within families.

The Need for Flexibility in Traditions

Families change over time - children grow up, loved ones may pass away, and new members may join. These shifts can make some long-standing traditions feel outdated or even impossible to maintain. Add in the strong emotions that can come with the coming and going of loved ones and it can feel difficult to know how to approach family celebrations. When we are rigid in our expectations of traditions we can find ourselves disappointed, frustrated, and wondering if we will ever get to enjoy certain aspects of the holidays ever again. Approaching the natural evolution of family traditions with flexibility allows us to recognize that adapting traditions can lead to meaningful relational experiences and still honor the ones we once held so dearly. 

1. Creating New Family Traditions

Starting new family traditions doesn’t mean abandoning old ones; instead, it’s about integrating new practices that reflect your current values and circumstances. Here are some suggestions for creating lasting traditions:

• Reflect on Core Values: Gather your family and discuss what values you want to emphasize during the holidays. This could be gratitude, togetherness, or service to others. Use these values as a foundation for new rituals.

• Innovative Celebrations: Consider ways to celebrate existing traditions in a new way. Work to integrate the aspects that each family member values. For example, if a family recipe is no longer feasible to prepare or does not allow for everyone to feel they get to celebrate in a way that is meaningful to them, consider trying something new. Perhaps you can host a potluck where everyone brings a dish that reflects something meaningful to them. Be creative! 

• Embrace Technology: In today’s world, technology can help maintain connections. Virtual gatherings, shared online playlists, or even collaborative cooking sessions can create a sense of togetherness, regardless of distance.

2. Honoring Old Traditions

While it’s important to create new traditions, it’s equally vital to honor the old ones that may no longer be feasible. Here are some ways to do this:

• Memory Sharing: Dedicate time during your gatherings to share stories and memories associated with past traditions. Consider doing this while engaging in the new tradition. This honors those experiences and keeps them alive in the hearts of your family.

• Symbolic Gestures: If a certain tradition is no longer possible, find symbolic ways to honor it. For example, lighting a candle in memory of a family member who once led a holiday ritual can serve as a meaningful tribute. Alternatively, you might set aside time for family members to share their stories and memories of that person, celebrating the moments they cherished together.

• Adapt and Modify: If a tradition feels too difficult to maintain, consider how it can be adapted. Perhaps the time of giving thanks during Thanksgiving, once involving everyone, can transition to a smaller, more intimate gathering or even a virtual one. You might also consider sending short videos to a family chat, allowing everyone to participate in a way that fits their schedule. This is a great opportunity to get creative and embrace new ideas!

Opportunities for Deeper Connection

The process of creating and adapting traditions offers a unique opportunity for families to bond and grow. Engaging in these discussions and experiences together encourages open communication and fosters a sense of unity. Here are a few ways to enhance connection through new traditions:

• Collaborative Decision-Making: Involve all family members in the discussion about new traditions. This encourages everyone to share their ideas and preferences, ensuring that everyone feels valued and included.

• Experiential Traditions: Consider activities that allow for shared experiences, such as volunteering together, creating wreaths together, or running a turkey trot. These experiences can deepen bonds and create lasting memories.

• Family Reflection: After the holiday season, take time as a family to reflect on what worked and what didn’t regarding your new traditions. This ongoing dialogue can help shape future celebrations and reinforce a culture of adaptability.

Conclusion

As families evolve, so too can our traditions. The holiday season presents a wonderful opportunity to create new memories and rituals that honor both the past and present. By embracing flexibility and open communication, families can nurture deeper connections while adapting to life’s changes. Remember, the goal is not perfection but the joy of togetherness, growth, and shared experiences. Ultimately, new experiences can enrich our family bonds for years to come.

Navigating Competing Needs – Family Dynamics and the Holidays Part 3

The holiday season comes with a myriad of demands from immediate family, extended family, and friends. Balancing quality time with others, honoring traditions, and caring for ourselves can be challenging. It is easy to lose sight of our own needs as we focus on the expectations we feel others are looking to us to fulfill. A recipe for feeling overwhelmed and burned out. Rather than wishing for the season to pass, it's crucial to recognize that these responsibilities shouldn't come at the expense of our well-being. The question becomes: how do we honor both our needs and those of our loved ones?

1. Setting Personal Boundaries

Establishing and communicating clear boundaries is crucial. Consider the following:

• Identify Your Limits: Reflect on how much time you can realistically commit to things without sacrificing your well-being. This might involve saying no to certain events or leaving early when necessary. Understand that we need to cultivate emotional awareness to do this successfully as your feelings help define your limits. It’s challenging to recognize your boundaries if you’re not attuned to what you’re experiencing. 

• Communicate Clearly: Once you’ve recognized your limits, communicate in a way that genuinely reflects them. This involves expressing yourself authentically instead of saying one thing while feeling another. When our words align with our true emotions, we promote clearer communication and deepen our connections with others, fostering mutual understanding and support. This approach helps create an environment where people can respect our boundaries.

2. Prioritize Self-Care

Amid the hustle and bustle, self-care can easily be overlooked. Here are some ways to create space for your own well-being:

• Schedule Downtime: Carve out moments for yourself on your holiday calendar. Whether it’s a quiet cup of tea, a walk outside, or reading a book, prioritize these moments to recharge.

• Engage in Mindfulness: Incorporate mindfulness practices, such as meditation, breathing exercises, or journaling to help center yourself when family dynamics become overwhelming.

3. Encouraging Others’ To Do the Same

Just as it's important to prioritize your own needs, encourage your family members to do the same. Not only should you allow them this space, but you should actively support it! This approach fosters a supportive environment and models healthy behavior. Similarly, while you communicate your limits clearly, ask them to do the same. Follow these tips to help ensure success:

• Open Conversations: Create space for family discussions about everyone’s needs. This encourages transparency and authenticity while helping everyone feel more connected and understood. Remember that each person is entitled to their own opinions. Work to be open and accepting of what others have to say. If needs seem to conflict with one another that is ok. Instead of viewing it as having to sacrifice one or the other, see if you can negotiate a solution that benefits each person. 

• Share Responsibilities: Encourage family members to take on tasks or roles during gatherings. This not only lightens your load but also allows others to actively participate in the holiday spirit. If it seems that some are reluctant to assume any responsibilities, consider giving them a say in which tasks they would like to take on. They should be contributing, but allowing them the freedom to choose how they do it can foster a sense of ownership and involvement.

4. Honoring Traditions Meaningfully

Traditions can be a beautiful part of the holiday experience, but they don’t have to be all-consuming. To ensure they remain meaningful without causing burnout try these things:

• Evaluate Traditions: Consider which traditions are most important to you and your immediate family. Are there any that can be modified or skipped this year? This can help reduce pressure and allow for more intentional participation.

• Create New Traditions: If certain traditions feel burdensome, think about introducing new ones or altering pre-existing ones to align more closely with your current needs and values. This could be as simple as a family movie night or a potluck where everyone contributes a dish.

5. Allowing Grace and Kindness

It’s important to have compassion for yourself and others when navigating holiday pressures. Recognize that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed or to fall short of your own expectations, just as others may let you down at times. Remember that even in moments of disappointment, there is always room for reconciliation and understanding. Embracing this perspective can foster a more supportive and forgiving atmosphere for everyone involved.

Conclusion

Finding balance during the holiday season is essential to maintaining joy and connection. By setting personal boundaries, prioritizing self-care, encouraging others to do the same, and allowing grace for everyone involved you can create a fulfilling holiday experience for both yourself and your loved ones. Remember, the holidays are meant to bring joy, and by nurturing your own well-being, you enhance your ability to truly engage with those you love and you set a wonderful example for others to do the same. Here’s to creating a peaceful and joyful holiday experience for yourself and your loved ones!

Identifying and Addressing Family Triggers - Family Dynamics and the Holidays Part 2

The reality of the holiday season is that it is stressful and can come with strong emotions and bring unresolved conflict to the surface. When we are faced with the reality of our experiences we may find ourselves confronted with triggers that can complicate our time spent with family and friends. Understanding these triggers and having tools to manage them is crucial for navigating holiday gatherings in a constructive way.

Common Family Triggers

1. Past Conflicts: Old grievances can resurface during family gatherings. Whether it’s disagreements from last year’s holiday or deeper issues that have never been resolved. Unresolved conflicts in relationships create tension.

2. Difficult Personalities: Certain family members may have traits or behaviors that can be challenging to cope with. From the overbearing relative to the critic, these personalities can lead to friction.

3. Differing Expectations: Each family member may have their own idea of what the holidays should look like. Disparities in traditions, gift-giving, and even food preferences can lead to conflict.

Whatever your triggers are, we can find ourselves experiencing unwanted anxiety, anger, or resentment. It is important to take some time to reflect on what these might be for you individually so that you are better prepared to manage them when they occur. It is equally as important to take the time to reflect when you experience unexpected triggers to know how to best care for yourself in that moment. Remember that we all have them and often for good reason. Instead of working against yourself trying to eliminate them, work to understand and respond to them in a helpful way. 

Strategies for Addressing Triggers Constructively

To foster a more peaceful holiday atmosphere, it’s essential to have strategies in place to manage emotionally charged moments. Here are some tips:

1. Grounding Techniques

Grounding techniques can help you stay present and calm during stressful moments. These  techniques help to anchor your mind and calm you by drawing your attention to your physical sensations. By focusing on tangible qualities, you create a mental space that encourages calmness and presence. It’s a simple yet effective way to ground yourself in any situation. Try these simple methods:

• 5-4-3-2-1 Technique: Identify five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. This exercise brings your focus back to the present, minimizing anxiety.

• Box Breathing: Take a few deep breaths. Inhale for a count of four, hold for four, exhale for four, and hold that exhale for four. Imagine creating a box as you complete each step. This simple practice can quickly reduce stress.

• Utilize Color: Choose a specific color and identify five items of that color around you. Describe the sensation of each item you identify - considering its texture, temperature, and weight. If you can’t touch them, use your imagination!

2. Mindfulness Meditations

Mindfulness meditations are a powerful tool for managing triggers, as it encourages you to observe your thoughts and feelings without judgment. By practicing this you can create space between your emotional responses and reactions, helping you respond to challenging situations with greater clarity and calmness. It can also be a great tool for building emotional awareness which helps to identify triggers.

• RAIN Meditation:

  • Recognize: Acknowledge the emotion you're feeling. Is it anger, sadness, or anxiety? Maybe all of the above?

  • Allow: Permit yourself to feel that emotion without judgment. Remember that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling.

  • Investigate: Explore the emotion. What triggered it? Is it related to a past experience or a specific person? Give extra attention to this step if you have experienced an unexpected trigger. 

  • Nurture: Offer yourself compassion. Remind yourself that your feelings are valid, and think about what you need in that moment to feel safe and supported.

• Body Scan:

  • Find a Comfortable Position: Lie down or sit comfortably, closing your eyes if you would like 

  • Focus on Each Body Part: Start from your toes and move upward, paying attention to sensations, tension, or relaxation in each area.

  • Breathe Deeply: Inhale and exhale slowly, allowing each breath to help you release any tension you notice.

  • Observe Without Judgment: Simply acknowledge what you feel without trying to change anything, fostering a sense of acceptance and presence.

Additional Tips 

When faced with challenging moments during family gatherings, consider these additional tips to maintain your composure:

• Set Intentions: Before gatherings, set clear intentions for how you want to engage. Focus on connection and understanding rather than conflict.

• Take Breaks: If you feel overwhelmed, give yourself permission to excuse yourself for a moment. Find a quiet space to regroup and practice some of the techniques from above.

• Communicate Openly: If you sense tension rising, address them calmly. Use "I" statements to express your feelings without assigning blame (e.g., "I feel anxious when...").

• Seek Support: If you have a trusted family member or friend, consider confiding in them during difficult moments. A supportive ally can help you navigate tough interactions.

Conclusion

While holidays can be filled with emotional landmines, they also present an opportunity for growth and connection. By identifying triggers and then employing grounding techniques and practicing mindfulness you can navigate family dynamics with greater ease. Remember, it’s perfectly okay to prioritize your own emotional well-being while also striving for connection during this festive season.

Claire received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from the University of Tennessee, Knoxville. During her master’s program, she worked with college students and young adults on a variety of topics including body image, disordered eating, family and relationship challenges, trauma, anxiety, depression, and life transitions. Claire uses a person-centered approach to counseling and focuses on creating a genuine connection with clients, understanding their unique life experiences, and being a companion on their path to healing and finding peace. She believes that with adequate support, all people have the capacity to grow and become more fully themselves. Claire’s practice is trauma-informed and she attends to clients’ unique cultural identities in the counseling space. She lives in Charleston and enjoys music, reading, traveling, and quality time with loved ones.

About Me:

What's your professional background?

I worked in the corporate world for several years before changing careers and going back to school to pursue a counseling degree. I have mostly worked with young adults on a college campus, but I look forward to working with people of all ages and backgrounds as I continue in my career.

What do you love about your work?

I love understanding each client’s unique story. I greatly appreciate the strength and vulnerability it takes to come to counseling and do my best to honor that effort with compassion and commitment to the counselor-client relationship.

What drew you to becoming a therapist?

Going to counseling when I was younger was very impactful in my life. Since that experience, I have felt inspired to support others in the same way that I was supported, and to share the hope that things can get better.

What’s your specialty?

I work with clients experiencing many different challenges, but I have a special interest in working with clients with body image concerns, disordered eating habits, and relational challenges.

What’s your treatment style?

It is a collaborative approach based on empathic listening and building a genuine therapeutic relationship. I provide a nonjudgmental space and together my clients and I decide what would be most helpful for them during our time together.

Most likely to discuss during a treatment?

Interpersonal relationships. We are relational beings, and I believe that the relationships in our lives, both past and present, can impact how we see ourselves and how we cope with our life experiences. 

Hobbies outside of work?

I love reading, going to concerts, exercising, and traveling.

What is your favorite self-care practice/coping skills?

Going on walks, pilates, breathwork, and intentional time spent with friends and family. 

Expectations vs. Reality - Family Dynamics and the Holidays Part 1 

The holiday season is upon us, and with it comes a familiar mix of emotions such as joy, nostalgia, and a significant amount of stress. We find ourselves grappling with our expectations of what the holidays "should" look like versus the reality of our experiences. These pressures can strain relationships and affect our mental well-being. To navigate this challenging time, it's essential to embrace imperfections, prioritize self-care, practice emotional awareness, and communicate openly with loved ones, allowing for a more authentic and fulfilling holiday experience.

The Origins of Our Expectations 

Early in our lives we are exposed to pictures of idealized versions of the holidays that depict cozy family gatherings filled with laughter and joy, perfectly decorated homes, and abounding love between family and friends. While many of us may experience some of this, often the reality of our experiences can be much different. Family dynamics can be complicated, schedules hectic, and time for joy with friends and family limited. Add family pressures to societal expectations and we can quickly find ourselves engaging in unrealistic expectations that leave us feeling inadequate and overwhelmed… the opposite of what we are hoping for.

The Consequences of Unrealistic Expectations 

This disconnect between expectations and reality can lead to a range of difficult emotions such as grief over lost loved ones, nostalgia for simpler times, or even resentment towards family members who seem to effortlessly embody the "perfect" holiday spirit. These feelings are valid! They deserve space and attention. By acknowledging them and accepting them for what they are we can start to engage in emotional awareness and self compassion. This creates the opportunity to reconcile some of the tension between our expectations and reality. 

Practical Strategies to Help You Navigate This Season With Grace:

1. Embrace Imperfections

Recognize that the "perfect" holiday season is a myth and we all have our own complex experience. Know that it can be a joyful time filled with gratitude while also a stressful time filled with grief. Know that this is a common experience that is not meant to look one way. Instead of striving for perfection, focus on what truly matters to you. This may be spending quality time with loved ones, creating memories, or practicing gratitude. Whatever it is, it should be valuable to you! Work to embrace the chaos! This leads to realistic expectations and opens the door to true enjoyment of our experiences. 

2. Prioritize Self Care

One of the imperfections that comes with the holidays is that it can be draining. From parties to family time, our schedules can quickly feel unmanageable but it is crucial to prioritize self care. When we don’t it leads to burnout and an inability to enjoy the things on our calendar. Schedule time for yourself to relax, reflect, and recharge. Whether it's a quiet walk, reading a book, or engaging in a favorite hobby, self-care helps you approach the holidays with a refreshed mindset.

3. Practice emotional awareness

Self-care creates space for you to take time to identify and acknowledge your feelings. Our knee jerk reaction is often to judge our emotions but challenge yourself to assume a posture of curiosity. Sit with the emotions that arise and ask them: Why are they there? What are they trying to communicate to you? How can you care for yourself at that moment? Journaling, talking to a friend, or seeking professional support can also help you process these feelings in a healthy way. Emotional awareness not only benefits us but also those we are in relationship with. 

4. Open Communication

When we practice emotional awareness we can better communicate with those around us. Engage in conversations with your family about what the holidays mean to you and what you hope to experience. Explore their perspectives as well as this fosters understanding and connection. Set boundaries around family gatherings, gift exchanges, or even how much time you spend together to alleviate pressure. Being honest with yourself and others about your needs fosters success in implementing boundaries in relationships.

Conclusion

The holiday season can be a time of joy and connection, but it can also bring challenges that test our emotional resilience. By understanding the origins of our expectations and taking proactive steps to communicate effectively, set boundaries, and practice self-care, we can navigate the highs and lows with grace. As we embark on this holiday journey, remember that it's okay to feel a mix of emotions, you are not alone! The key is to approach these feelings with self-compassion and awareness. Embrace the imperfections, cherish the moments of connection, and give yourself permission to simply be. Happy holidays!

### Why Millennial Women and Moms Should Start Therapy Now for a Brighter 2025

As we approach the end of another year, many of us find ourselves reflecting on our lives—what we’ve achieved, what we hope to accomplish, and how we can better care for ourselves in the coming year. For millennial women and moms, this reflection often brings to light the challenges we face daily: balancing work, family, personal ambitions, and self-care. One of the most impactful steps you can take to ensure a positive start to 2025 is to consider therapy.

#### Breaking the Stigma

Let’s address the elephant in the room: there’s still a stigma surrounding mental health and therapy, especially among our generation. However, it’s time to redefine what seeking help means. Therapy isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a proactive step toward self-improvement. Many successful millennial women are now champions of mental health, sharing their journeys and normalizing the act of seeking professional support.

#### Clarity and Self-Discovery

As we near the end of the year, it's common to feel overwhelmed by the pressures of both our personal and professional lives. Therapy provides a safe space for you to sort through these feelings. It allows for self-discovery and clarity on what you truly want for yourself, whether that’s advancing your career, nurturing your relationships, or simply finding time for self-care.

Imagine entering 2025 with a clearer understanding of your goals, dreams, and what truly matters to you. Therapy can help you identify your values and priorities, equipping you with the tools to set and achieve meaningful resolutions.

#### Preparing for Holiday Challenges

The holiday season can be a double-edged sword. While it brings joy and celebration, it also often introduces stress, family dynamics, and emotional triggers. By starting therapy now, you can proactively prepare for these challenges instead of reacting to them when they arise.

In therapy, you can develop coping strategies specifically tailored to navigate the complexities of the holidays. Whether it’s managing family expectations, dealing with holiday stress, or setting boundaries to protect your mental health, having a plan in place can make all the difference. Imagine feeling equipped to handle the holiday hustle without feeling overwhelmed, allowing you to enjoy the season rather than just survive it.

#### Stress Management and Coping Strategies

Life as a millennial mom can be chaotic. Juggling children, work, and personal life often leads to elevated stress levels. Therapy offers practical coping strategies to help you manage anxiety and stress effectively. A therapist can teach you techniques like mindfulness, breathing exercises, and time management skills, which can be especially beneficial as you navigate the demands of motherhood.

By starting therapy now, you’ll be better prepared to tackle the challenges that come with the new year, ensuring you can approach each day with resilience and confidence.

#### Building a Support Network

In the hustle and bustle of modern life, it’s easy to feel isolated, especially as a parent. Therapy provides an opportunity to connect with a professional who understands the complexities of your situation. But it also emphasizes the importance of community and support.

As you work through your feelings in therapy, you may find yourself more open to forming connections with other moms or like-minded women. These relationships can become invaluable support systems, making the journey of motherhood and self-discovery feel less lonely.

#### Setting the Stage for Healthy Relationships

Entering a new year often brings thoughts of how we can improve our relationships with partners, friends, and family. Therapy can help you identify patterns that may be affecting these relationships. By understanding your triggers and communication styles, you can cultivate healthier interactions.

Imagine going into 2025 with the tools to communicate more effectively, express your needs, and resolve conflicts. This investment in yourself not only benefits you but also enhances the quality of your relationships.

#### Conclusion: Invest in Yourself

As we prepare to welcome 2025, consider this: investing in your mental health is one of the most rewarding gifts you can give yourself. Starting therapy now allows you to enter the new year with clarity, confidence, and the resilience needed to tackle whatever life throws your way.

Remember, taking care of your mental health isn’t selfish; it’s essential. You deserve a fulfilling and balanced life, and starting therapy can be a powerful first step toward achieving that. Let’s make 2025 our best year yet—together.

Understanding Guilt and Shame

Shame and guilt are also incredibly common emotions that tend to be difficult to process and harness due to their implications. Shame and guilt may make us feel like we are at risk of losing acceptance or people. This risk may also lead to beliefs of being unworthy of love. Shame and guilt can be painful to experience, therefore we may let these emotions consume us or we avoid them at all costs. However, shame and guilt hold validity and purpose just like the rest of our emotions. They tell us when we are acting out of line with our own values and when we may need to make some changes with ourselves. The distinction of healthy shame and guilt vs. unproductive shame and guilt is often determined by whether these emotions are coming from within or placed on us by others. The messages of shame and guilt can only be channeled for positive action when these emotions are met with empathy from others or compassion from ourselves.

Anger is likely the emotion with the worst reputation. Many of us try to avoid or reject any notion that we may be an “angry person,” but anger is actually a valid, healthy, and useful emotion in the same way that happiness and sadness is. We might fear anger because we’ve seen the negative effects that come when others lose a grip on their anger. Unresolved or unmanaged anger has had the tendency to lead to violence, aggression, or hurtful words or actions. Hence, the bad reputation. But, when anger is felt, processed, and harnessed it has an incredible power to help us to make meaningful changes in our lives for ours and others’ benefit and can even be a powerful aid in our healing processes. 

When we don’t understand our anger we have the tendency to let it control us, where we accidentally release our anger in excess and end up hurting others or having negative consequences that are hard to come back from. For example, you may be hurt and respond with anger that  ends up hurting a friend or loved one so much that the relationship becomes very difficult to recover. Or, your anger may take over in a way that leads to physical violence or aggression that falls on to the wrong people. On the other hand, not understanding our anger can also lead to repression of anger which results in increased anxiety, depression, or a decreased ability to move on from hurt, loss, and trauma. 

It’s unfortunate that anger has such a bad reputation, because anger can be a good thing! When our body is telling us we are angry we are getting cues that we have been hurt, violated, or we may need to protect ourselves or make changes. When it comes to setting boundaries and expressing needs with others, recognizing our anger is an incredible tool! For example, you may have felt repeatedly disrespected at work and like you were given excessive responsibilities and have been put down in the process too. For example, you constantly feel like your drowning, but you don’t want to rock the boat or come across like you can’t handle the work It may take finally recognizing your anger to get the motivation to speak up and set more boundaries around your workload with management. 

Anger also has potential to have transformative effects in our healing journeys. It’s normal after experiencing trauma or loss to have residual guilt or shame that lingers. Sometimes, this excessive guilt or shame is a response to us internalizing the experience and assuming that full responsibility and blame. This may turn in to anger, but it becomes directed inward. “Ugh! If I would have just not gone there that night, this never would have happened! I’m so stupid!” This sort of self-talk is not productive. Anger towards self increases shame, anxiety, and depression and facilitates for self-limiting beliefs that may impact other areas of your life. Sometimes it takes having to really feel you anger related to a trauma to externalize the event and help remove the shame and debilitating beliefs. For example, “Ugh how could that person do that to me they are deeply unwell to think that harassment was acceptable! And they shamed me afterwards trying to make me believe I asked for it!” In this way, the anger is externalized to see the situation more clearly. Anger doesn’t always have to be acted on if the recipient isn’t a safe person to receive or hear your boundaries or experience but sharing anger with a professional or trusted one can provide you the clarity and relief you desire, as well as creative methods like journaling or art. 

While I’m describing the benefits of anger, it’s important to distinguish between anger and rage. Anger is our body’s response to a specific situation, event, or external stimuli, but rage is the physical response to pent up and unprocessed anger and/ or hypervigilance. When we are experiencing rage, or when our anger is heightened beyond our ability to see a situation rationally then we have to take time to physically release anger or de-escalate or mental status before we act. This is the danger zone where we may let our anger take over and lead us to actions that we may regret or that may cause harm.

It’s also important to distinguish between anger and irritability. A small level of irritability is normal when we are experiencing changes, increased stress, or changes causing us discomfort. However, if you are feeling constantly irritable, then there may be some unresolved anger that hasn’t been addressed. Or, if you are feeling constantly angry, irritable, there may be some other feelings that have been ignored that have manifested because they were ignored and anger felt safer. In this case, ask yourself what may be going on under the anger that is hurting you, bothering you, or causing you discomfort.

Reflexive questions for recognizing, managing, and harnessing our anger. 

Question

Example 

What makes me angry?

Feeling inferior, when people touch my stuff

What does it feel like in my body when I get angry?

My head starts spinning, my chest gets tight, I want to cry and fight at the same time

How do I start responding when I get angry or REALLY angry (signs to de escalate)

Clenching fist, ruminating on perceived threat or insult, snapping at others, shutting down

What helps me relax or calm down if I’m angry?

Exercise and deep breathing

When have I used my anger for good?

Stood up to another kid who was bullying my friend in elementary school

When has my anger been destructive?

Negative self-talk (anger directed inwards), overreacting with my dog and partner (my safe people)

When have I turned my anger inwards unduly? What was  actually going on?

Beating myself up over the breakup. It wasn’t meant to be. It’s time to let go. 

When have I unduly projected my anger outwards? What was actually going on?

When I snapped at my partner last week. They didn’t do anything wrong. I just had a bad day at work.

Strategies for managing rage, irritability, and excessive anger.

• Stress reduction (the more stress we have in our life the more likely we lose control of our anger or it builds excessively

• Journaling- venting, processing, and reflecting

• Physical exercise- reduces stress and channels aggression or fight or flight response

• Deep breathing- calms ourselves down so we can regulate our nervous system to see the situation more clearly

• Step away or allowing for some distance- give yourself some time to cool down to decide how you want to respond to your anger effectively

• Grounding exercise- step outside or try the 5,4,3,2,1 exercise to de escalate