The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse EXPLAINED By A Therapist
The Stages of Narcissistic Abuse
The narcissistic cycle refers to the repeated pattern of behavior that individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or narcissistic traits often go through in their relationships and interactions with others. This cycle is characterized by a series of predictable phases where the narcissist manipulates others to fulfill their needs for admiration, validation, and control, often causing emotional harm to those around them. The cycle typically includes the following stages:
1 Idealization aka “Love Bombing”
In the early stages of a relationship (romantic, platonic, or professional), the narcissist often displays an idealized version of themselves. They may shower the other person with excessive admiration, affection, and attention. This stage can feel like "love bombing," where the narcissist makes the other person feel special, unique, and valued. The goal of this phase is to hook the person emotionally, gain their trust, and make them dependent on the narcissist's validation and approval.
2. Devaluation via “Gaslighting”
Over time, the narcissist begins to criticize, belittle, or undermine the person who was once idealized. This phase often involves manipulation, gaslighting, or emotional abuse, where the narcissist may shift blame, criticize flaws, and make the other person feel inadequate. The narcissist seeks to maintain control and superiority. The devaluation phase can be triggered by a perceived threat to their self-image or when the person no longer provides the constant admiration and validation they crave.
3. Discard or Withdraw
If the person being devalued fails to meet the narcissist’s emotional or validation needs, the narcissist may disengage, withdraw, or even abruptly end the relationship. The discard phase is characterized by the narcissist treating the other person as if they no longer matter, often without regard for their feelings. This phase allows the narcissist to feel in control and to "discard" someone who no longer serves their needs. They may also move on to new sources of admiration and attention.
4. Re-Engage via “Hoovering”
After the discard, the narcissist may attempt to re-engage or "hoover" the person back into their orbit. This can happen if the narcissist feels lonely, bored, or if the person they discarded is still a valuable source of validation. Hoovering often involves messages or gestures designed to draw the person back in, such as promises of change, apologies, or temporary affection. The hoovering phase is an attempt to regain control and re-establish the narcissist's dominance over the relationship. It may happen multiple times in a cycle, particularly if the narcissist feels they can benefit from the person again.
4 Patterns To Watch For:
Emotional Manipulation: Narcissists often manipulate others’ emotions to maintain control over the relationship, alternating between affection and hostility. This keeps the other person emotionally off-balance and dependent on the narcissist’s approval.
Emotional Toll: The cycle is emotionally draining for the person being manipulated, as they experience extreme highs (idealization) followed by deep lows (devaluation and discard). Over time, this can erode their self-esteem and mental well-being.
Repetitive Nature: The narcissistic cycle often repeats itself, with the narcissist alternating between idealization, devaluation, and discard, sometimes involving multiple hoovering attempts. This can be emotionally exhausting for those involved.
Dependence and Control: Narcissists are often skilled at creating dependency in others, leading them to constantly seek the narcissist’s approval. This allows the narcissist to maintain control over the person and keep them engaged in the cycle.
The Narcissist’s Need For Control
The narcissistic cycle is a pattern of behavior where a narcissist alternates between idealizing and devaluing a person, discarding them when no longer useful, and then attempting to draw them back in. The cycle serves to reinforce the narcissist's need for admiration and control, often causing significant emotional harm to those involved.
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