Exploring the Connection Between Body Image and Self-Esteem

Body image and self-esteem are deeply intertwined, influencing how we perceive ourselves, our worth, and our place in the world. A negative body image can damage our confidence, mental health, and overall sense of self-worth, while a positive body image or neutral body image can foster self-acceptance, emotional resilience, and a healthier relationship with food. Here are some strategies that can be helpful in shifting your relationship to your body. 

Recognize the Connection Between Body Image and Self-Esteem

It’s important to understand how body image and self-esteem are connected. Body image refers to how we perceive, think, and feel about our bodies, while self-esteem is our overall sense of self-worth. Negative body image can directly impact self-esteem, leading to feelings of inadequacy, shame, or guilt. When we tie our self-worth to how we look, it becomes harder to feel good about ourselves in a society that promotes often unattainable beauty standards.

However, improving body image can significantly enhance self-esteem. When we learn to accept and appreciate our bodies, regardless of their shape or size, we can develop a deeper sense of self-worth that isn’t dependent on external validation. There isn’t a quick fix, but there are some helpful ways to engage with your body image in a different way. 

Focus on What Your Body Can Do, Not Just How It Looks

It’s easy to get caught up in how we look, especially with ever changing, impossible-to-meet beauty standards. However, when we shift our focus to what our bodies are capable of, we can cultivate a greater appreciation for ourselves beyond appearance. When we focus on the functionality of our bodies, rather than on our appearance, we can tap into a greater sense of gratitude. 

Strategy: Practice Gratitude

Take a moment each day to reflect on what your body can do. You might appreciate how you are able to go on a walk, hug your family member, or stretch when you wake up in the morning. This practice of body gratitude can help you see your body as a source of strength rather than something to be critiqued.

Practice Self-Care That Nourishes Your Body and Mind

We can enhance self-esteem through treating your body and mind with care, love, and respect. This means prioritizing self-care routines that nourish your emotional and physical health, rather than only focusing on outside appearance. 

Strategy: Develop a Holistic Self-Care Routine

• Physical Nourishment: Fuel your body with balanced meals that give you energy and joy. Avoid labeling foods as "good" or "bad." Instead, embrace variety and eat foods that are satisfying to you. Remember- food is food. 

• Feel-Good Movement: Engage in physical activities that make you feel strong and energized. The goal is to focus on how movement makes you feel, not how it shapes your body, so try and find something you enjoy!

• Mental and Emotional Nourishment: Practice mindfulness, journaling, or meditation to cultivate a positive inner dialogue and manage stress. Invest time in supportive social connections. Take time alone to examine your emotions. 

Set Boundaries with Negative Body Talk

Negative body talk is pervasive, whether it’s comments from family members, friends, or even yourself. Overhearing or participating in these conversations can trigger insecurity and reinforce harmful beliefs about our bodies.

Strategy: Speak Up and Set Boundaries

• Assertively let others know that you don’t participate in conversations that focus on weight, diets, or appearance. You can say something like, “I prefer not to discuss weight or body image. Let’s talk about something else.”

• When you catch yourself engaging in negative body talk, pause and choose to redirect your focus. Replace critical comments with a positive affirmation or redirect the conversation to something unrelated to appearance.

Seek Professional Support If Needed

If negative body image or low self-esteem is significantly affecting your daily life, relationships, or mental health, seeking professional support can be incredibly helpful. Therapists specializing in body image, self-esteem, or eating disorders can provide you with tools to address deeper emotional issues and guide you on the path to healing.

Conclusion

Improving body image and building self-esteem is a journey, not a destination. It takes time, effort, and practice to shift negative thought patterns and replace them with kindness and compassion. Remember, you are so much more than your physical appearance. By challenging negative thoughts, focusing on your body’s functionality, and practicing self-care, you can build a healthier relationship with yourself—one rooted in acceptance and respect. The most important thing is to be patient and gentle with yourself as you work toward self-acceptance and increased self-esteem.

Creating New Traditions to Strengthen Family Bonds - Family Dynamics and the Holidays Part 4

As we enter a time of year that is often filled with cherished memories and beloved traditions, you may confront the challenging reality that some traditions may no longer be attainable or relevant. As families evolve, so do the rituals that define their celebrations. It can be difficult to make space for new traditions and experiences that honor both the past and present. It requires flexibility and openness to move towards deeper connections and unity within families.

The Need for Flexibility in Traditions

Families change over time - children grow up, loved ones may pass away, and new members may join. These shifts can make some long-standing traditions feel outdated or even impossible to maintain. Add in the strong emotions that can come with the coming and going of loved ones and it can feel difficult to know how to approach family celebrations. When we are rigid in our expectations of traditions we can find ourselves disappointed, frustrated, and wondering if we will ever get to enjoy certain aspects of the holidays ever again. Approaching the natural evolution of family traditions with flexibility allows us to recognize that adapting traditions can lead to meaningful relational experiences and still honor the ones we once held so dearly. 

1. Creating New Family Traditions

Starting new family traditions doesn’t mean abandoning old ones; instead, it’s about integrating new practices that reflect your current values and circumstances. Here are some suggestions for creating lasting traditions:

• Reflect on Core Values: Gather your family and discuss what values you want to emphasize during the holidays. This could be gratitude, togetherness, or service to others. Use these values as a foundation for new rituals.

• Innovative Celebrations: Consider ways to celebrate existing traditions in a new way. Work to integrate the aspects that each family member values. For example, if a family recipe is no longer feasible to prepare or does not allow for everyone to feel they get to celebrate in a way that is meaningful to them, consider trying something new. Perhaps you can host a potluck where everyone brings a dish that reflects something meaningful to them. Be creative! 

• Embrace Technology: In today’s world, technology can help maintain connections. Virtual gatherings, shared online playlists, or even collaborative cooking sessions can create a sense of togetherness, regardless of distance.

2. Honoring Old Traditions

While it’s important to create new traditions, it’s equally vital to honor the old ones that may no longer be feasible. Here are some ways to do this:

• Memory Sharing: Dedicate time during your gatherings to share stories and memories associated with past traditions. Consider doing this while engaging in the new tradition. This honors those experiences and keeps them alive in the hearts of your family.

• Symbolic Gestures: If a certain tradition is no longer possible, find symbolic ways to honor it. For example, lighting a candle in memory of a family member who once led a holiday ritual can serve as a meaningful tribute. Alternatively, you might set aside time for family members to share their stories and memories of that person, celebrating the moments they cherished together.

• Adapt and Modify: If a tradition feels too difficult to maintain, consider how it can be adapted. Perhaps the time of giving thanks during Thanksgiving, once involving everyone, can transition to a smaller, more intimate gathering or even a virtual one. You might also consider sending short videos to a family chat, allowing everyone to participate in a way that fits their schedule. This is a great opportunity to get creative and embrace new ideas!

Opportunities for Deeper Connection

The process of creating and adapting traditions offers a unique opportunity for families to bond and grow. Engaging in these discussions and experiences together encourages open communication and fosters a sense of unity. Here are a few ways to enhance connection through new traditions:

• Collaborative Decision-Making: Involve all family members in the discussion about new traditions. This encourages everyone to share their ideas and preferences, ensuring that everyone feels valued and included.

• Experiential Traditions: Consider activities that allow for shared experiences, such as volunteering together, creating wreaths together, or running a turkey trot. These experiences can deepen bonds and create lasting memories.

• Family Reflection: After the holiday season, take time as a family to reflect on what worked and what didn’t regarding your new traditions. This ongoing dialogue can help shape future celebrations and reinforce a culture of adaptability.

Conclusion

As families evolve, so too can our traditions. The holiday season presents a wonderful opportunity to create new memories and rituals that honor both the past and present. By embracing flexibility and open communication, families can nurture deeper connections while adapting to life’s changes. Remember, the goal is not perfection but the joy of togetherness, growth, and shared experiences. Ultimately, new experiences can enrich our family bonds for years to come.

Navigating Competing Needs – Family Dynamics and the Holidays Part 3

The holiday season comes with a myriad of demands from immediate family, extended family, and friends. Balancing quality time with others, honoring traditions, and caring for ourselves can be challenging. It is easy to lose sight of our own needs as we focus on the expectations we feel others are looking to us to fulfill. A recipe for feeling overwhelmed and burned out. Rather than wishing for the season to pass, it's crucial to recognize that these responsibilities shouldn't come at the expense of our well-being. The question becomes: how do we honor both our needs and those of our loved ones?

1. Setting Personal Boundaries

Establishing and communicating clear boundaries is crucial. Consider the following:

• Identify Your Limits: Reflect on how much time you can realistically commit to things without sacrificing your well-being. This might involve saying no to certain events or leaving early when necessary. Understand that we need to cultivate emotional awareness to do this successfully as your feelings help define your limits. It’s challenging to recognize your boundaries if you’re not attuned to what you’re experiencing. 

• Communicate Clearly: Once you’ve recognized your limits, communicate in a way that genuinely reflects them. This involves expressing yourself authentically instead of saying one thing while feeling another. When our words align with our true emotions, we promote clearer communication and deepen our connections with others, fostering mutual understanding and support. This approach helps create an environment where people can respect our boundaries.

2. Prioritize Self-Care

Amid the hustle and bustle, self-care can easily be overlooked. Here are some ways to create space for your own well-being:

• Schedule Downtime: Carve out moments for yourself on your holiday calendar. Whether it’s a quiet cup of tea, a walk outside, or reading a book, prioritize these moments to recharge.

• Engage in Mindfulness: Incorporate mindfulness practices, such as meditation, breathing exercises, or journaling to help center yourself when family dynamics become overwhelming.

3. Encouraging Others’ To Do the Same

Just as it's important to prioritize your own needs, encourage your family members to do the same. Not only should you allow them this space, but you should actively support it! This approach fosters a supportive environment and models healthy behavior. Similarly, while you communicate your limits clearly, ask them to do the same. Follow these tips to help ensure success:

• Open Conversations: Create space for family discussions about everyone’s needs. This encourages transparency and authenticity while helping everyone feel more connected and understood. Remember that each person is entitled to their own opinions. Work to be open and accepting of what others have to say. If needs seem to conflict with one another that is ok. Instead of viewing it as having to sacrifice one or the other, see if you can negotiate a solution that benefits each person. 

• Share Responsibilities: Encourage family members to take on tasks or roles during gatherings. This not only lightens your load but also allows others to actively participate in the holiday spirit. If it seems that some are reluctant to assume any responsibilities, consider giving them a say in which tasks they would like to take on. They should be contributing, but allowing them the freedom to choose how they do it can foster a sense of ownership and involvement.

4. Honoring Traditions Meaningfully

Traditions can be a beautiful part of the holiday experience, but they don’t have to be all-consuming. To ensure they remain meaningful without causing burnout try these things:

• Evaluate Traditions: Consider which traditions are most important to you and your immediate family. Are there any that can be modified or skipped this year? This can help reduce pressure and allow for more intentional participation.

• Create New Traditions: If certain traditions feel burdensome, think about introducing new ones or altering pre-existing ones to align more closely with your current needs and values. This could be as simple as a family movie night or a potluck where everyone contributes a dish.

5. Allowing Grace and Kindness

It’s important to have compassion for yourself and others when navigating holiday pressures. Recognize that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed or to fall short of your own expectations, just as others may let you down at times. Remember that even in moments of disappointment, there is always room for reconciliation and understanding. Embracing this perspective can foster a more supportive and forgiving atmosphere for everyone involved.

Conclusion

Finding balance during the holiday season is essential to maintaining joy and connection. By setting personal boundaries, prioritizing self-care, encouraging others to do the same, and allowing grace for everyone involved you can create a fulfilling holiday experience for both yourself and your loved ones. Remember, the holidays are meant to bring joy, and by nurturing your own well-being, you enhance your ability to truly engage with those you love and you set a wonderful example for others to do the same. Here’s to creating a peaceful and joyful holiday experience for yourself and your loved ones!

Identifying and Addressing Family Triggers - Family Dynamics and the Holidays Part 2

The reality of the holiday season is that it is stressful and can come with strong emotions and bring unresolved conflict to the surface. When we are faced with the reality of our experiences we may find ourselves confronted with triggers that can complicate our time spent with family and friends. Understanding these triggers and having tools to manage them is crucial for navigating holiday gatherings in a constructive way.

Common Family Triggers

1. Past Conflicts: Old grievances can resurface during family gatherings. Whether it’s disagreements from last year’s holiday or deeper issues that have never been resolved. Unresolved conflicts in relationships create tension.

2. Difficult Personalities: Certain family members may have traits or behaviors that can be challenging to cope with. From the overbearing relative to the critic, these personalities can lead to friction.

3. Differing Expectations: Each family member may have their own idea of what the holidays should look like. Disparities in traditions, gift-giving, and even food preferences can lead to conflict.

Whatever your triggers are, we can find ourselves experiencing unwanted anxiety, anger, or resentment. It is important to take some time to reflect on what these might be for you individually so that you are better prepared to manage them when they occur. It is equally as important to take the time to reflect when you experience unexpected triggers to know how to best care for yourself in that moment. Remember that we all have them and often for good reason. Instead of working against yourself trying to eliminate them, work to understand and respond to them in a helpful way. 

Strategies for Addressing Triggers Constructively

To foster a more peaceful holiday atmosphere, it’s essential to have strategies in place to manage emotionally charged moments. Here are some tips:

1. Grounding Techniques

Grounding techniques can help you stay present and calm during stressful moments. These  techniques help to anchor your mind and calm you by drawing your attention to your physical sensations. By focusing on tangible qualities, you create a mental space that encourages calmness and presence. It’s a simple yet effective way to ground yourself in any situation. Try these simple methods:

• 5-4-3-2-1 Technique: Identify five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. This exercise brings your focus back to the present, minimizing anxiety.

• Box Breathing: Take a few deep breaths. Inhale for a count of four, hold for four, exhale for four, and hold that exhale for four. Imagine creating a box as you complete each step. This simple practice can quickly reduce stress.

• Utilize Color: Choose a specific color and identify five items of that color around you. Describe the sensation of each item you identify - considering its texture, temperature, and weight. If you can’t touch them, use your imagination!

2. Mindfulness Meditations

Mindfulness meditations are a powerful tool for managing triggers, as it encourages you to observe your thoughts and feelings without judgment. By practicing this you can create space between your emotional responses and reactions, helping you respond to challenging situations with greater clarity and calmness. It can also be a great tool for building emotional awareness which helps to identify triggers.

• RAIN Meditation:

  • Recognize: Acknowledge the emotion you're feeling. Is it anger, sadness, or anxiety? Maybe all of the above?

  • Allow: Permit yourself to feel that emotion without judgment. Remember that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling.

  • Investigate: Explore the emotion. What triggered it? Is it related to a past experience or a specific person? Give extra attention to this step if you have experienced an unexpected trigger. 

  • Nurture: Offer yourself compassion. Remind yourself that your feelings are valid, and think about what you need in that moment to feel safe and supported.

• Body Scan:

  • Find a Comfortable Position: Lie down or sit comfortably, closing your eyes if you would like 

  • Focus on Each Body Part: Start from your toes and move upward, paying attention to sensations, tension, or relaxation in each area.

  • Breathe Deeply: Inhale and exhale slowly, allowing each breath to help you release any tension you notice.

  • Observe Without Judgment: Simply acknowledge what you feel without trying to change anything, fostering a sense of acceptance and presence.

Additional Tips 

When faced with challenging moments during family gatherings, consider these additional tips to maintain your composure:

• Set Intentions: Before gatherings, set clear intentions for how you want to engage. Focus on connection and understanding rather than conflict.

• Take Breaks: If you feel overwhelmed, give yourself permission to excuse yourself for a moment. Find a quiet space to regroup and practice some of the techniques from above.

• Communicate Openly: If you sense tension rising, address them calmly. Use "I" statements to express your feelings without assigning blame (e.g., "I feel anxious when...").

• Seek Support: If you have a trusted family member or friend, consider confiding in them during difficult moments. A supportive ally can help you navigate tough interactions.

Conclusion

While holidays can be filled with emotional landmines, they also present an opportunity for growth and connection. By identifying triggers and then employing grounding techniques and practicing mindfulness you can navigate family dynamics with greater ease. Remember, it’s perfectly okay to prioritize your own emotional well-being while also striving for connection during this festive season.

Expectations vs. Reality - Family Dynamics and the Holidays Part 1 

The holiday season is upon us, and with it comes a familiar mix of emotions such as joy, nostalgia, and a significant amount of stress. We find ourselves grappling with our expectations of what the holidays "should" look like versus the reality of our experiences. These pressures can strain relationships and affect our mental well-being. To navigate this challenging time, it's essential to embrace imperfections, prioritize self-care, practice emotional awareness, and communicate openly with loved ones, allowing for a more authentic and fulfilling holiday experience.

The Origins of Our Expectations 

Early in our lives we are exposed to pictures of idealized versions of the holidays that depict cozy family gatherings filled with laughter and joy, perfectly decorated homes, and abounding love between family and friends. While many of us may experience some of this, often the reality of our experiences can be much different. Family dynamics can be complicated, schedules hectic, and time for joy with friends and family limited. Add family pressures to societal expectations and we can quickly find ourselves engaging in unrealistic expectations that leave us feeling inadequate and overwhelmed… the opposite of what we are hoping for.

The Consequences of Unrealistic Expectations 

This disconnect between expectations and reality can lead to a range of difficult emotions such as grief over lost loved ones, nostalgia for simpler times, or even resentment towards family members who seem to effortlessly embody the "perfect" holiday spirit. These feelings are valid! They deserve space and attention. By acknowledging them and accepting them for what they are we can start to engage in emotional awareness and self compassion. This creates the opportunity to reconcile some of the tension between our expectations and reality. 

Practical Strategies to Help You Navigate This Season With Grace:

1. Embrace Imperfections

Recognize that the "perfect" holiday season is a myth and we all have our own complex experience. Know that it can be a joyful time filled with gratitude while also a stressful time filled with grief. Know that this is a common experience that is not meant to look one way. Instead of striving for perfection, focus on what truly matters to you. This may be spending quality time with loved ones, creating memories, or practicing gratitude. Whatever it is, it should be valuable to you! Work to embrace the chaos! This leads to realistic expectations and opens the door to true enjoyment of our experiences. 

2. Prioritize Self Care

One of the imperfections that comes with the holidays is that it can be draining. From parties to family time, our schedules can quickly feel unmanageable but it is crucial to prioritize self care. When we don’t it leads to burnout and an inability to enjoy the things on our calendar. Schedule time for yourself to relax, reflect, and recharge. Whether it's a quiet walk, reading a book, or engaging in a favorite hobby, self-care helps you approach the holidays with a refreshed mindset.

3. Practice emotional awareness

Self-care creates space for you to take time to identify and acknowledge your feelings. Our knee jerk reaction is often to judge our emotions but challenge yourself to assume a posture of curiosity. Sit with the emotions that arise and ask them: Why are they there? What are they trying to communicate to you? How can you care for yourself at that moment? Journaling, talking to a friend, or seeking professional support can also help you process these feelings in a healthy way. Emotional awareness not only benefits us but also those we are in relationship with. 

4. Open Communication

When we practice emotional awareness we can better communicate with those around us. Engage in conversations with your family about what the holidays mean to you and what you hope to experience. Explore their perspectives as well as this fosters understanding and connection. Set boundaries around family gatherings, gift exchanges, or even how much time you spend together to alleviate pressure. Being honest with yourself and others about your needs fosters success in implementing boundaries in relationships.

Conclusion

The holiday season can be a time of joy and connection, but it can also bring challenges that test our emotional resilience. By understanding the origins of our expectations and taking proactive steps to communicate effectively, set boundaries, and practice self-care, we can navigate the highs and lows with grace. As we embark on this holiday journey, remember that it's okay to feel a mix of emotions, you are not alone! The key is to approach these feelings with self-compassion and awareness. Embrace the imperfections, cherish the moments of connection, and give yourself permission to simply be. Happy holidays!

### Why Millennial Women and Moms Should Start Therapy Now for a Brighter 2025

As we approach the end of another year, many of us find ourselves reflecting on our lives—what we’ve achieved, what we hope to accomplish, and how we can better care for ourselves in the coming year. For millennial women and moms, this reflection often brings to light the challenges we face daily: balancing work, family, personal ambitions, and self-care. One of the most impactful steps you can take to ensure a positive start to 2025 is to consider therapy.

#### Breaking the Stigma

Let’s address the elephant in the room: there’s still a stigma surrounding mental health and therapy, especially among our generation. However, it’s time to redefine what seeking help means. Therapy isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a proactive step toward self-improvement. Many successful millennial women are now champions of mental health, sharing their journeys and normalizing the act of seeking professional support.

#### Clarity and Self-Discovery

As we near the end of the year, it's common to feel overwhelmed by the pressures of both our personal and professional lives. Therapy provides a safe space for you to sort through these feelings. It allows for self-discovery and clarity on what you truly want for yourself, whether that’s advancing your career, nurturing your relationships, or simply finding time for self-care.

Imagine entering 2025 with a clearer understanding of your goals, dreams, and what truly matters to you. Therapy can help you identify your values and priorities, equipping you with the tools to set and achieve meaningful resolutions.

#### Preparing for Holiday Challenges

The holiday season can be a double-edged sword. While it brings joy and celebration, it also often introduces stress, family dynamics, and emotional triggers. By starting therapy now, you can proactively prepare for these challenges instead of reacting to them when they arise.

In therapy, you can develop coping strategies specifically tailored to navigate the complexities of the holidays. Whether it’s managing family expectations, dealing with holiday stress, or setting boundaries to protect your mental health, having a plan in place can make all the difference. Imagine feeling equipped to handle the holiday hustle without feeling overwhelmed, allowing you to enjoy the season rather than just survive it.

#### Stress Management and Coping Strategies

Life as a millennial mom can be chaotic. Juggling children, work, and personal life often leads to elevated stress levels. Therapy offers practical coping strategies to help you manage anxiety and stress effectively. A therapist can teach you techniques like mindfulness, breathing exercises, and time management skills, which can be especially beneficial as you navigate the demands of motherhood.

By starting therapy now, you’ll be better prepared to tackle the challenges that come with the new year, ensuring you can approach each day with resilience and confidence.

#### Building a Support Network

In the hustle and bustle of modern life, it’s easy to feel isolated, especially as a parent. Therapy provides an opportunity to connect with a professional who understands the complexities of your situation. But it also emphasizes the importance of community and support.

As you work through your feelings in therapy, you may find yourself more open to forming connections with other moms or like-minded women. These relationships can become invaluable support systems, making the journey of motherhood and self-discovery feel less lonely.

#### Setting the Stage for Healthy Relationships

Entering a new year often brings thoughts of how we can improve our relationships with partners, friends, and family. Therapy can help you identify patterns that may be affecting these relationships. By understanding your triggers and communication styles, you can cultivate healthier interactions.

Imagine going into 2025 with the tools to communicate more effectively, express your needs, and resolve conflicts. This investment in yourself not only benefits you but also enhances the quality of your relationships.

#### Conclusion: Invest in Yourself

As we prepare to welcome 2025, consider this: investing in your mental health is one of the most rewarding gifts you can give yourself. Starting therapy now allows you to enter the new year with clarity, confidence, and the resilience needed to tackle whatever life throws your way.

Remember, taking care of your mental health isn’t selfish; it’s essential. You deserve a fulfilling and balanced life, and starting therapy can be a powerful first step toward achieving that. Let’s make 2025 our best year yet—together.

Understanding Guilt and Shame

Shame and guilt are also incredibly common emotions that tend to be difficult to process and harness due to their implications. Shame and guilt may make us feel like we are at risk of losing acceptance or people. This risk may also lead to beliefs of being unworthy of love. Shame and guilt can be painful to experience, therefore we may let these emotions consume us or we avoid them at all costs. However, shame and guilt hold validity and purpose just like the rest of our emotions. They tell us when we are acting out of line with our own values and when we may need to make some changes with ourselves. The distinction of healthy shame and guilt vs. unproductive shame and guilt is often determined by whether these emotions are coming from within or placed on us by others. The messages of shame and guilt can only be channeled for positive action when these emotions are met with empathy from others or compassion from ourselves.

Anger is likely the emotion with the worst reputation. Many of us try to avoid or reject any notion that we may be an “angry person,” but anger is actually a valid, healthy, and useful emotion in the same way that happiness and sadness is. We might fear anger because we’ve seen the negative effects that come when others lose a grip on their anger. Unresolved or unmanaged anger has had the tendency to lead to violence, aggression, or hurtful words or actions. Hence, the bad reputation. But, when anger is felt, processed, and harnessed it has an incredible power to help us to make meaningful changes in our lives for ours and others’ benefit and can even be a powerful aid in our healing processes. 

When we don’t understand our anger we have the tendency to let it control us, where we accidentally release our anger in excess and end up hurting others or having negative consequences that are hard to come back from. For example, you may be hurt and respond with anger that  ends up hurting a friend or loved one so much that the relationship becomes very difficult to recover. Or, your anger may take over in a way that leads to physical violence or aggression that falls on to the wrong people. On the other hand, not understanding our anger can also lead to repression of anger which results in increased anxiety, depression, or a decreased ability to move on from hurt, loss, and trauma. 

It’s unfortunate that anger has such a bad reputation, because anger can be a good thing! When our body is telling us we are angry we are getting cues that we have been hurt, violated, or we may need to protect ourselves or make changes. When it comes to setting boundaries and expressing needs with others, recognizing our anger is an incredible tool! For example, you may have felt repeatedly disrespected at work and like you were given excessive responsibilities and have been put down in the process too. For example, you constantly feel like your drowning, but you don’t want to rock the boat or come across like you can’t handle the work It may take finally recognizing your anger to get the motivation to speak up and set more boundaries around your workload with management. 

Anger also has potential to have transformative effects in our healing journeys. It’s normal after experiencing trauma or loss to have residual guilt or shame that lingers. Sometimes, this excessive guilt or shame is a response to us internalizing the experience and assuming that full responsibility and blame. This may turn in to anger, but it becomes directed inward. “Ugh! If I would have just not gone there that night, this never would have happened! I’m so stupid!” This sort of self-talk is not productive. Anger towards self increases shame, anxiety, and depression and facilitates for self-limiting beliefs that may impact other areas of your life. Sometimes it takes having to really feel you anger related to a trauma to externalize the event and help remove the shame and debilitating beliefs. For example, “Ugh how could that person do that to me they are deeply unwell to think that harassment was acceptable! And they shamed me afterwards trying to make me believe I asked for it!” In this way, the anger is externalized to see the situation more clearly. Anger doesn’t always have to be acted on if the recipient isn’t a safe person to receive or hear your boundaries or experience but sharing anger with a professional or trusted one can provide you the clarity and relief you desire, as well as creative methods like journaling or art. 

While I’m describing the benefits of anger, it’s important to distinguish between anger and rage. Anger is our body’s response to a specific situation, event, or external stimuli, but rage is the physical response to pent up and unprocessed anger and/ or hypervigilance. When we are experiencing rage, or when our anger is heightened beyond our ability to see a situation rationally then we have to take time to physically release anger or de-escalate or mental status before we act. This is the danger zone where we may let our anger take over and lead us to actions that we may regret or that may cause harm.

It’s also important to distinguish between anger and irritability. A small level of irritability is normal when we are experiencing changes, increased stress, or changes causing us discomfort. However, if you are feeling constantly irritable, then there may be some unresolved anger that hasn’t been addressed. Or, if you are feeling constantly angry, irritable, there may be some other feelings that have been ignored that have manifested because they were ignored and anger felt safer. In this case, ask yourself what may be going on under the anger that is hurting you, bothering you, or causing you discomfort.

Reflexive questions for recognizing, managing, and harnessing our anger. 

Question

Example 

What makes me angry?

Feeling inferior, when people touch my stuff

What does it feel like in my body when I get angry?

My head starts spinning, my chest gets tight, I want to cry and fight at the same time

How do I start responding when I get angry or REALLY angry (signs to de escalate)

Clenching fist, ruminating on perceived threat or insult, snapping at others, shutting down

What helps me relax or calm down if I’m angry?

Exercise and deep breathing

When have I used my anger for good?

Stood up to another kid who was bullying my friend in elementary school

When has my anger been destructive?

Negative self-talk (anger directed inwards), overreacting with my dog and partner (my safe people)

When have I turned my anger inwards unduly? What was  actually going on?

Beating myself up over the breakup. It wasn’t meant to be. It’s time to let go. 

When have I unduly projected my anger outwards? What was actually going on?

When I snapped at my partner last week. They didn’t do anything wrong. I just had a bad day at work.

Strategies for managing rage, irritability, and excessive anger.

• Stress reduction (the more stress we have in our life the more likely we lose control of our anger or it builds excessively

• Journaling- venting, processing, and reflecting

• Physical exercise- reduces stress and channels aggression or fight or flight response

• Deep breathing- calms ourselves down so we can regulate our nervous system to see the situation more clearly

• Step away or allowing for some distance- give yourself some time to cool down to decide how you want to respond to your anger effectively

• Grounding exercise- step outside or try the 5,4,3,2,1 exercise to de escalate 

A great start to learning how to have a balanced approach to understanding your emotions is exploring what they are telling you. For example, sadness may tell you you are being disappointed, hurt or let down. When we are feeling that way we can respond productively by crying, talking to someone, or journaling. Sadness consumes us when we are getting lost in despair by not recognizing or channeling our sadness into something (tears, spoken word, etc).

Decoding Your Emotional Cues:

Sadness

• Message: An event or multiple events have hurt you, brought you sadness, or low mood (you are be adjusting to a loss or change)

• Productive Responses: Cry it out, share with someone you trust, journal

• Unproductive Responses: Isolation, constant negative thinking, “bottling up” until it explodes

Guilt

• Message: You may need to fix a mistake that has hurt or inconvenienced someone

• Productive Responses: Consider where you may have made a mistake and apologize if you’ve made a mistake or hurt someone, ask how you can correct the situation if possible

• Unproductive Responses: Seeking reassurance from others to make guilt go away, ignoring guilt, problem, and mistake, and potentially furthering a conflict 

Anger

• Message: You or a loved one’s physical or emotional boundaries may be threatened or may have already been violated

• Productive Responses: Deep breathing, exercise, boundary setting, action taking to change the situation, talking to therapist or a non-biased external third party

• Unproductive Responses: Lashing out (insulting, violence, throwing things), gossiping, trying to control others

Fear

• Message: You or a loved one may be in physical or emotional danger

• Productive Responses: Assess for evidence of fear, decide what action may protect yourself, seek comfort and safety, recognize when the danger is over or passed

• Unproductive Responses: Ignoring fear, not recognizing your own power and letting fear control you

Disgust

• Message: (Something feels potentially unsafe, unhelpful, or uncomfortable)

• Productive Responses: Explore what is repelling you and remove yourself from stimuli if you’re body is telling you no

• Unproductive Responses: Ignoring the need to set a boundary, or avoiding everything

Loneliness

• Message: You’re seeking connection (Connection is important to you)

• Productive Responses: Reach out to a friend or loved one (phone calls or lunch dates!), explore why you are having a hard time being by yourself, do something you enjoy

• Unproductive Response: Further isolating self, or believing the loneliness means you are unlovable, constantly relying on others to provide you comfort 

Happiness

• Message: You are emotionally secure and experiencing joy and gratitude

• Productive Responses: Share your joy and gratitude, be mindful in the present moment

• Unproductive Responses: Avoiding happiness because it feels vulnerable, forcing yourself to be happy because it seems more acceptable than other emotions that may be present (i.e., anger,sadness)

Shame

• Message: You sense a risk of being ostracized or unloved

• Productive Responses: Explore why you are feeling shame, share with someone 

• Unproductive Response: Internalizing shame and letting it rule your belief system, ignoring shame and creating “walls” to protect yourself

Boredom

• Message: You are experiencing a lack of fulfillment and/ or stimulation

• Productive Responses: Push yourself to do something you enjoy (exercise, art, crafts, cooking, calling a friend), journal

• Unproductive Responses: Reach for a substance to distract or fulfill you, overcrowd your schedule because you are afraid of how you feel when you have free time

Jealousy

• Message: An insecurity you have is being reflected by external stimuli or a possession that you have is being threatened

• Productive Responses: Name your jealousy and explore what insecurity is under it

• Unproductive Responses: Hurt others or yourself to try to make the jealousy go away or to control the risk of losing your possession 

Numb

Message: Your emotions have been ignored or have been so overwhelming that you’re body is finding them too dangerous to interact with

Productive Responses: Soothe nervous system with deep breathing and time to self. Write out and explore emotions that may be under the numbness

Unproductive Responses:

Nervous

Message: MessageYou may be taking a risk

Productive Responses: Assess your supports and strengths to determine if you are ready to take a risk

Unproductive Responses: Immobilizing or holding yourself back to avoid failure or vulnerability 

Stress

Message: You are being physiologically motivated to take action 

Productive Responses: Take breaks to relax and unwind (rest, exercise, meditate, hug your partner, create something) so that stress can be managed and used to harness energy to complete task

Unproductive Responses: Pile on more tasks to make the stress go away and produce more stress until you reach burnout 

Grief

Message: Reminds you of a loss you have endured related to safety and love. Reminds you of the preciousness of life

Productive Responses: Recognize that grief comes in waves and let it remind you of the good in your past

Unproductive Responses: Avoid feeling or remembering the good, avoid new experiences for fear of loss

Emotions Have Gotten A Bad Wrap

Emotions themselves are actually a healthy, productive, biological, and normal part of the human experience!

However, sometimes they just feel like a nuisance.

They usually feel like such a bother because they are communicating and calling on us to attend to something! And sometimes we just feel too busy or too preoccupied to do so. Also, emotions have gotten a bad reputation: an “emotional” person is considered child-like and like they can’t get a grip on reality.

Oftentimes in childhood, as a response to our youthful dysregulated emotions, we are told to “not get upset” as a response to our emotions.

This makes sense, as usually the person saying so is trying to come up with a solution to the dysregulated or over reactive response. A kid screaming and crying at the top of their lungs is a situation that adults are just looking for solutions to.

However, this response lends to not actually  figuring out how to work through the emotions. 

How We Respond To Our Emotions Matter

It’s easy to respond to our emotions in two ways:

1. Ignore them

2. Be consumed by them

One response is by being overly reactive to them and allowing them to consume us.

The more common approach as we enter adulthood is to ignore them, stuff them, or discredit them.

One response feels more active and like you’re actually doing something about it, and one is more passive and falls under the belief that there is nothing you can do about your emotional response.

Both responses are ignoring what the emotions are telling you. 

Because that’s what emotions are there for- to tell you something!

Emotions are our internal messengers and communicators to tell us how to respond to our external and physical world!

When our emotions are stuffed deep down, anxiety, depression, and/ or OCD are usually sitting on top of them. And when our emotions are out of control, anxious, intrusive, or depressive thoughts often follow.

Our mental health and cognitive functioning is strongly dependent on our ability to feel, experience, explore, understand, and cope with our emotions.

How Your Childhood Experiences Shape Your Emotions Responses

Usually the way we handle emotions is affected by the models and societal messages around us growing up.

If your family didn’t talk about emotions, then it’s likely you don’t talk about emotions.

If your family had really big and unhinged emotions that felt scary as a child, then emotions may be avoided so that your world feels more safe.

If you didn’t have a place to share or process your emotions, then you may have learned to just keep them bottled up and stuffed down (because what else were you supposed to do?).

On the other hand, we might express our emotions loudly and openly to get what we want. This could be due to trauma, confusion, or struggles with boundaries. When we don’t know how to handle our emotions, they can become explosive or overwhelming for us and others. In this case, our emotions may feel like "demons," leaving us wondering how to get rid of them.

The Power of Nonviolent Communication

Communication is at the heart of human interaction. It’s the bridge between individuals, connecting us in times of need, conflict, or joy.

However, as Marshall Rosenberg eloquently outlined in his groundbreaking work on Nonviolent Communication (NVC), much of our communication is fraught with misunderstanding, judgment, and, at times, violence.

According to Rosenberg, the way we communicate can either create barriers between us or foster deeper understanding and connection.

What is Nonviolent Communication?

Nonviolent Communication (NVC), sometimes referred to as “compassionate communication”, is a method developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg in the 1960s. Rosenberg's approach aims to promote empathy, connection, and understanding in all forms of interaction.

NVC is based on the premise that, at our core, all human beings share similar needs, and our actions and words are attempts to meet these needs. When we become disconnected from our needs and the needs of others, we begin to communicate in ways that can be harmful or destructive.

Rosenberg identified two major forms of communication: life-alienating and life-enriching.

• Life-alienating communication includes judgments, criticisms, labels, demands, and coercion—things that often lead to conflict and misunderstanding.

• Life-enriching communication, the goal of NVC, involves creating a space where people can express their needs and feelings in ways that promote connection rather than division.

The Four Components of Nonviolent Communication

Rosenberg’s model of NVC consists of four main components:

1. Observation: Observing what is actually happening in a situation without evaluating or interpreting it. For example, instead of saying, "You never listen to me," an observation might be, "When I talked to you this morning, you were looking at your phone."

2. Feelings: Identifying and expressing how we feel about what we have observed. Rather than hiding or minimizing our emotions, NVC encourages people to be open about what they are experiencing. "I feel frustrated and unheard" is a simple and honest way to share emotions.

3. Needs: Recognizing the underlying needs or values behind our feelings. In NVC, unmet needs are at the root of conflicts. By naming our needs, we help clarify what is driving our emotions. For example, “I need to feel valued and heard in our conversations” shifts the focus to what’s important.

4. Requests: Making clear and specific requests for actions that might meet our needs. Requests in NVC are framed positively and with flexibility, allowing the other person freedom to respond rather than feeling coerced. Instead of demanding, “Stop looking at your phone,” a request might be, “Would you be willing to put your phone down while we talk?”

These four components work together to create a communication framework that fosters clarity, empathy, and mutual understanding.

Most of us have heard of the “mind-body connection”. But let me tell you about a world changing study you probably haven’t heard of, conducted in the 1990s by the Center of Disease Control and Prevention, and Kaiser Permanente.

The “ACE study”, which stands for “Adverse Childhood Experiences”, uncovered a shocking correlation between specific childhood experiences and the development of long term serious health diagnoses as adults. aimed to explore the correlation between childhood adversity and health issues in adulthood.

They found that exposure to particular experiences in childhood affected 67% of the population and could shorten life expectancy by 20 years, triple the likelihood of developing lung disease, and increase the likelihood of developing depression by 450%!!

You may be wondering what are these specific adverse experiences that can cause such long term and tragic outcomes?

The ACE questionnaire identifies adverse childhood experiences through a series of 10 questions, which fall into 3 categories. These induce 1) various types of household dysfunction, 2) emotional and physical neglect, and lastly, 3) any type of abuse, including emotional abuse, physical abuse, and sexual abuse.

The research revealsed the result of exposure effects adults in the following ways:

Physical Health

- Individuals with four or more ACEs are at a significantly higher risk of developing chronic diseases such as heart disease, diabetes, and cancer.

- The risk of chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD) is 2.5 times higher in individuals with a history of ACEs compared to those without.

Mental Health

- Individuals with a history of ACEs are more likely to experience depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts.

- The risk of attempting suicide is 12 times higher among individuals with four or more ACEs.

Substance Abuse

- The likelihood of engaging in substance abuse, including alcoholism and drug addiction, increases with the number of ACEs.

- Individuals with four or more ACEs are seven times more likely to become alcoholic and ten times more likely to use intravenous drugs.

Social & Financial Impact

- ACEs impact not only physical and mental health but also social well-being. Adults with a higher number of ACEs are more likely to experience unemployment, financial instability, and relationship difficulties.

Life Expectancy

- The cumulative effect of ACEs is profound. Individuals with six or more ACEs have a 20 years shorter life expectancy than those with no ACEs.

Pretty shocking, huh?!

These findings have some pretty big implications. For starters, I use this important screening tool with every single client who starts counseling at Ethredge Counseling Group. It helps us dial in, from the very beginning, on some of the most significant experiences our clients may have had, and shed light on what could be triggering multiple symptoms.

There are implications for our society at large as well. Addressing the widespread abuse and neglect that so many children are surviving on their own is crucial, as well as supporting caregivers who may struggle with their own mental health challenges.

We can help bring trauma-informed care to those who need it most, as well as educate parents, caregivers, and community members, thereby contributing to the creation of a safer and more nurturing environment for children.

Building supportive communities that prioritize the well-being of children is essential. Social programs, mental health services, and community resources can play a vital role in creating a protective environment for children at risk of ACEs.

Lastly, we can begin healing our own traumas, both “big” and “small”. Not only for the benefit of our own health, but for the healing and wellbeing of our families, our communities, and the world as a whole.

In the picturesque city of Charleston, South Carolina, a growing number of millennial women are recognizing the importance of mental health and seeking therapy as a valuable tool for personal growth and well-being. From the cobblestone streets of historic downtown to the vibrant communities along the coastline, the reasons for this trend are as diverse as the city itself.