Emotions Have Gotten A Bad Wrap

Emotions themselves are actually a healthy, productive, biological, and normal part of the human experience!

However, sometimes they just feel like a nuisance.

They usually feel like such a bother because they are communicating and calling on us to attend to something! And sometimes we just feel too busy or too preoccupied to do so. Also, emotions have gotten a bad reputation: an “emotional” person is considered child-like and like they can’t get a grip on reality.

Oftentimes in childhood, as a response to our youthful dysregulated emotions, we are told to “not get upset” as a response to our emotions.

This makes sense, as usually the person saying so is trying to come up with a solution to the dysregulated or over reactive response. A kid screaming and crying at the top of their lungs is a situation that adults are just looking for solutions to.

However, this response lends to not actually  figuring out how to work through the emotions. 

How We Respond To Our Emotions Matter

It’s easy to respond to our emotions in two ways:

1. Ignore them

2. Be consumed by them

One response is by being overly reactive to them and allowing them to consume us.

The more common approach as we enter adulthood is to ignore them, stuff them, or discredit them.

One response feels more active and like you’re actually doing something about it, and one is more passive and falls under the belief that there is nothing you can do about your emotional response.

Both responses are ignoring what the emotions are telling you. 

Because that’s what emotions are there for- to tell you something!

Emotions are our internal messengers and communicators to tell us how to respond to our external and physical world!

When our emotions are stuffed deep down, anxiety, depression, and/ or OCD are usually sitting on top of them. And when our emotions are out of control, anxious, intrusive, or depressive thoughts often follow.

Our mental health and cognitive functioning is strongly dependent on our ability to feel, experience, explore, understand, and cope with our emotions.

How Your Childhood Experiences Shape Your Emotions Responses

Usually the way we handle emotions is affected by the models and societal messages around us growing up.

If your family didn’t talk about emotions, then it’s likely you don’t talk about emotions.

If your family had really big and unhinged emotions that felt scary as a child, then emotions may be avoided so that your world feels more safe.

If you didn’t have a place to share or process your emotions, then you may have learned to just keep them bottled up and stuffed down (because what else were you supposed to do?).

On the other hand, we might express our emotions loudly and openly to get what we want. This could be due to trauma, confusion, or struggles with boundaries. When we don’t know how to handle our emotions, they can become explosive or overwhelming for us and others. In this case, our emotions may feel like "demons," leaving us wondering how to get rid of them.

The Power of Nonviolent Communication

Communication is at the heart of human interaction. It’s the bridge between individuals, connecting us in times of need, conflict, or joy.

However, as Marshall Rosenberg eloquently outlined in his groundbreaking work on Nonviolent Communication (NVC), much of our communication is fraught with misunderstanding, judgment, and, at times, violence.

According to Rosenberg, the way we communicate can either create barriers between us or foster deeper understanding and connection.

What is Nonviolent Communication?

Nonviolent Communication (NVC), sometimes referred to as “compassionate communication”, is a method developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg in the 1960s. Rosenberg's approach aims to promote empathy, connection, and understanding in all forms of interaction.

NVC is based on the premise that, at our core, all human beings share similar needs, and our actions and words are attempts to meet these needs. When we become disconnected from our needs and the needs of others, we begin to communicate in ways that can be harmful or destructive.

Rosenberg identified two major forms of communication: life-alienating and life-enriching.

• Life-alienating communication includes judgments, criticisms, labels, demands, and coercion—things that often lead to conflict and misunderstanding.

• Life-enriching communication, the goal of NVC, involves creating a space where people can express their needs and feelings in ways that promote connection rather than division.

The Four Components of Nonviolent Communication

Rosenberg’s model of NVC consists of four main components:

1. Observation: Observing what is actually happening in a situation without evaluating or interpreting it. For example, instead of saying, "You never listen to me," an observation might be, "When I talked to you this morning, you were looking at your phone."

2. Feelings: Identifying and expressing how we feel about what we have observed. Rather than hiding or minimizing our emotions, NVC encourages people to be open about what they are experiencing. "I feel frustrated and unheard" is a simple and honest way to share emotions.

3. Needs: Recognizing the underlying needs or values behind our feelings. In NVC, unmet needs are at the root of conflicts. By naming our needs, we help clarify what is driving our emotions. For example, “I need to feel valued and heard in our conversations” shifts the focus to what’s important.

4. Requests: Making clear and specific requests for actions that might meet our needs. Requests in NVC are framed positively and with flexibility, allowing the other person freedom to respond rather than feeling coerced. Instead of demanding, “Stop looking at your phone,” a request might be, “Would you be willing to put your phone down while we talk?”

These four components work together to create a communication framework that fosters clarity, empathy, and mutual understanding.