Reclaim Your Power From Shame and Guilt - Don’t Blame The Messenger Series, Part 4
Understanding Guilt and Shame
Shame and guilt are also incredibly common emotions that tend to be difficult to process and harness due to their implications. Shame and guilt may make us feel like we are at risk of losing acceptance or people. This risk may also lead to beliefs of being unworthy of love. Shame and guilt can be painful to experience, therefore we may let these emotions consume us or we avoid them at all costs. However, shame and guilt hold validity and purpose just like the rest of our emotions. They tell us when we are acting out of line with our own values and when we may need to make some changes with ourselves. The distinction of healthy shame and guilt vs. unproductive shame and guilt is often determined by whether these emotions are coming from within or placed on us by others. The messages of shame and guilt can only be channeled for positive action when these emotions are met with empathy from others or compassion from ourselves.
Whether it’s excessive guilt or shame, or a constant avoidance of feeling guilt or shame, this mismanagement of the emotion underlies a lot of our harmful behaviors (gaslighting, addiction, and personality disorders) and internalizing mental health symptoms (depression, anxiety, and OCD). Because these emotions are so difficult to experience, and can be hard to harness, they end up being the fuel for a lot of dysfunction. When shame and guilt are experienced in isolation (i.e., kept to ourselves) or is a product of trauma, abuse, or humiliation (more on this at the end of the blog), the impacts on our psyche, our sense of self, and our actions can be profound.
The Dangers of Avoidance
Often, our tendency to either avoid guilt and shame or be consumed by it is a response to our beliefs that it isn’t okay to make a mistake. We may think the shame or guilt will make us unlovable, or that we will never be able to recover if we made a mistake. This isn’t true. We are humans! We just can’t help ourselves- we make mistakes all the time! We say or do the wrong thing. We may accidentally or even intentionally hurt someone's feelings, or we may screw up our assignment at work. It’s inevitable. We are messy. Making a mistake doesn’t define us, but how we respond to it might.
Avoiding guilt often means avoiding accountability and avoiding shame often means avoiding vulnerability. When we experience guilt our body is telling us that we may have made a mistake that needs to be corrected. Therefore, we may need to apologize and admit our shortcomings! That may come with some shame too. And shame makes us think that there may be something wrong with us and of course we don’t want to experience that! So, apologizing gets harder. Sometimes we don’t admit guilt due to our fear of being shamed, which is different then feeling shame on your own accord. Being shamed is from societal messages or external action against us. But facing ourselves and all our warts means being vulnerable which means a risk of feeling shame or being shamed.
The Purpose of Shame and Guilt
It’s hard to find the good in or purpose in shame, but in the same way anger may ask us to set boundaries with others or inspire change, shame and guilt may help us do that with ourselves. Maybe a loved one has finally gotten in touch with their anger to set a boundary or let them know how they feel. Ouch, you don’t feel proud of the way you were behaving. However, they told you in a loving and respectful way. So, you can’t react back to them. You’re left feeling really bad about yourself. You feel ashamed, but they told you they still love you, so this shame feels a bit more manageable. You have to look yourself in the mirror and realize where you’ve been off track and hurt someone else. This is not fun, but now you’re inspired to change! You might even go to therapy to work on these things if it feels too overwhelming. Your quick temper, substance use, manipulative, or avoidant behavior has caused a rift in your relationships. That is hard to face. Feeling vulnerable to facing these things may feel like you are at risk of being shamed, but it can be incredibly powerful. You feel a little ashamed and now you know it’s time to change. Sharing that with others can help them too!
Shame and guilt will certainly not be productive when it is the aftermath or abuse, trauma, or humiliation. Sadly, you will likely feel these emotions in abundance when someone is exercising power to make you feel small, embarrassed, or unworthy. We often internalize these experiences to believe them as true. Perhaps you made one mistake but your partner brings it up constantly. Repeatedly belittling you and name calling you in response. At this point, the guilt and shame is no longer coming from within; it is being placed upon you by someone else. You can’t work through emotions that are not coming from within. This shame is not yours to carry. Sometimes, after traumas that are outside of our control (tragic loss), we lean into guilt as a way to feel some sense of control. For example, you say, “It’s all my fault they died, I should have reminded them more to wear their seatbelt!” This guilt can’t be productive either because it’s more of a response to our helplessness and lack of control vs. an actual mistake we made. If there’s one thing these emotions are telling you after trauma, it’s that you’re in need of some empathy to move through them or let them go.
If you are unsure of whether your guilt is in response to something you’ve actually done or something you’re unduly blaming yourself for, seeking therapy is a great option. Left unprocessed, shame and guilt can take a relentless hold on us. Exploring these emotions may mean feeling them, which can be very scary, but as Brene Brown has researched and shared, “vulnerability is power” and “the anecdote to shame is empathy.” Choosing isolation instead of processing can just lead to an endless cycle of self-defeat. Don’t keep it in, find someone you trust and get to exploring! Try accepting the inevitable fact that you are not perfect, but you are worthy of love and you are capable of change.
Reflective Questions for Shame and Guilt:
What do you find yourself feeling guilty about most often?
Example: Overeating, snapping at my friends
What experiences in your life feel most shameful?
Example: Getting kicked out of school for plagiarism, assault
What do you tell yourself about your guilt and shame? Is it productive?
Example:You can’t do anything right- no
Where do you carry guilt and shame that was placed on you by others?
Example: Being told I was a “selfish kid,” being told I look “Fluffy,” being “beat up”
What can rationally and compassionately tell yourself about the above experiences?
Example: I was just a kid, gaining weight is normal, being assaulted wasn’t my fault
Where can you let go of shame and guilt in your life?
Example: Obsessing over weight, constantly blaming myself and beating myself up about the past
What changes or amends can you make due to guilt or shame that feels appropriate, rational, and true to you and your values?
Example: Apologize to my friends for snapping at them so much and work on recognizing when I’m getting irritable. Start accepting myself more.
In what areas can you work on self-acceptance vs self-blaming and attacking?
Example: Body image, slowness with some tasks at work, my tendency to talk a lot and wear my heart on my sleeve
