9 Ways To Put Your New Nonviolent Communication Skills Into Practice
Practicing Nonviolent Communication (NVC) takes conscious effort and commitment, but it can lead to more compassionate and effective communication.
Here are steps to help you incorporate NVC into your daily interactions:
1) Observe Without Judging
One of the key elements of NVC is observing a situation without adding judgment or interpretation. This means describing what’s happening factually, without assigning blame or making assumptions about the other person’s intentions.
How to Practice:
- Pay attention to how often you attach judgments to your observations. Instead of saying, "You’re always late," try saying, "You arrived 10 minutes after the meeting started."
- Practice describing situations just as they are, focusing on what you see or hear, not on how you interpret it.
2) Identify and Express Your Feelings
Becoming more aware of your emotions is crucial in NVC. Instead of blaming others for your feelings, you own and express them. This shifts the focus from what others did to how you are impacted.
How to Practice:
- Build emotional vocabulary by identifying specific feelings like “excluded,” “anxious,” or “overwhelmed” instead of vague terms like “upset.”
- In conversations, take a pause to ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” and then express it honestly, like, “I’m feeling frustrated because...”
3) Connect to Your Needs & Deepest Longings
Feelings are always linked to underlying needs! When we experience emotions like frustration or joy, it’s because a need is either unmet or fulfilled. NVC encourages us to connect with our needs and communicate them clearly.
How to Practice:
- Reflect on the connection between your emotions and your needs. For instance, if you feel anxious, ask yourself, “What need of mine is not being met right now?” You might find that you need security, clarity, or support.
- When communicating, say, "I feel ___ because I need ___." For example, "I feel overwhelmed because I need more support with this project."
4) Make Clear and Positive Requests
After identifying your needs, the next step is to make a request that can help meet them. In NVC, requests should be specific, clear, and stated in positive terms (focusing on what you want rather than what you don’t want).
How to Practice:
- Frame your request in a way that gives the other person an opportunity to respond freely. For example, instead of saying, “You need to stop interrupting me,” you could say, “Would you be willing to let me finish my thoughts before responding?”
- Ensure your request is specific and actionable. Instead of “I need more help,” say, “Could you take over the next task for this project?”
5) Practice Empathic Listening
Empathy is central to NVC, not only in expressing yourself but also in listening to others. This means hearing what the other person is feeling and needing, without judgment or immediately offering solutions.
How to Practice:
- Focus on listening fully to what the other person is saying, trying to understand their feelings and needs. Ask yourself, “What are they feeling? What do they need right now?”
- Reflect back their emotions and needs to show that you are listening, like, “It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated because you need more clarity. Is that right?”
6) Self-Empathy
Before you can effectively communicate with others, it’s important to practice self-empathy. This involves checking in with your own feelings and needs regularly.
How to Practice:
- Take a few minutes each day to reflect on your emotional state and ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now? What do I need?”
- Use journaling as a tool to explore your thoughts, emotions, and needs in a non-judgmental way.
7) Role Play and Practice Scenarios
Applying NVC in real life can feel awkward at first, so practice in low-stakes environments or with a friend. You can role-play common situations where communication tends to break down and try to apply NVC principles.
How to Practice:
- Pick common situations like workplace conflicts or disagreements with a partner and role-play the conversation using the four components of NVC: observation, feeling, need, and request.
- Reflect on how it felt to express yourself this way and how it affected the communication dynamic.
8) Be Patient and Compassionate with Yourself
Like any new skill, NVC takes time to master. Don’t expect to communicate perfectly from the start. The goal is progress, not perfection.
How to Practice:
- Celebrate small victories. When you successfully use NVC, even in a small way, acknowledge that you’re growing in your communication skills.
- Be kind to yourself when you make mistakes. Reflect on what you could do differently next time, but avoid self-criticism.
9) Seek Learning Resources and Community
Engaging with books, workshops, or communities focused on NVC can help you learn from others and deepen your practice.
How to Practice:
- Read “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life” by Marshall Rosenberg for a deeper understanding of the principles.
- Join local or online NVC practice groups where you can share experiences and get feedback in a supportive environment.
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By regularly applying these practices, you’ll begin to shift your communication style to one that fosters greater empathy, connection, and understanding in your relationships.
Rosenberg, Marshall B. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. PuddleDancer Press, 2015.
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