Talking about OCD can be very difficult for both the person experiencing the disorder and for the loved ones witnessing their experience. For those experiencing it, the disorder and its effects can feel really hard to explain and for those witnessing, OCD can be hard to understand. OCD can feel particularly difficult to understand because of the largely internal experience of the condition and the intensity in which it is felt by the person experiencing it.

For The Person With OCD

Explain Your Unique Experience 

If you’re wanting some help or understanding from your loved ones in your life, start by trying to explain your experience to them. You can break apart the different parts of your experience as explained in the previous blog. Think of explaining these questions: What are your fears, obsessions, intrusive thoughts, and self-doubt? How have you been battling them with compulsions and rituals? And how has this been affecting you? If that feels too difficult, start by letting them know that you’re struggling and need help and seek support from a licensed mental health professional to better understand your experience and be able to articulate it. 

Ask for Support and Set Boundaries 

It’s hard to ask for support and it sometimes means facing some fears about feeling like you’re failing or having to share some about your internal world. But, these conversions that may bring up some discomfort can lead to a lot of growth. If you know that there are certain behaviors that your loved ones do that trigger your intrusive thoughts and shame about your disorder, let them know or ask them to refrain. If you need to set some boundaries to have some time and space to relax or destress to help manage symptoms, let them know this too.

Share How You Want To Grow

It’s also important to let your loved ones know how you hope and want to grow in better managing your OCD. For example, you may want to

• Get in therapy or find a consistent schedule for treatment.

• Work on managing and reducing compulsions.

• Work on boundaries, reducing unhelpful people pleasing, or reducing stress.

Consider realistic goals for making OCD more manageable. The disorder may not disappear completely, but what would progress look like for you? For example, could you aim to check the house once at night instead of multiple times? A realistic goal might be getting to the point at night where you can complete one routine “sweep” of checking the house and making sure everything is in order instead of several rounds of compulsive checking and getting out of bed to make sure the door is locked and the stove is off? 

For The Loved One Supporting Someone With OCD

Learn What OCD Is - And Isn’t 

A great way to start understanding more about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and how it’s affecting your loved one, is by checking out the first blog of this series to get an overview. Know that OCD is not “just anxiety,” or that your partner is not a “clean freak.” Know that OCD is a mental health disorder that typically feels very much out of their control. Ask your partner to describe their OCD to you.

Understand How Real Their Fears Feel

Although your loved one’s fears or concerns may seem irrational, false, or unlikely, the nature of OCD makes these fears feel incredibly real. It’s likely not helpful to try to convince them otherwise when they are wrapped up and consumed by an obsession. It’s going to be hard to support your loved one if you can’t accept how real these fears feel to them. Try thinking this: Imagine being flooded with out of control thoughts telling you that your worst fear is happening and it feels completely real- how miserable would that be? Start from this place of empathy and then get curious about how you can help your loved one better manage these fears.

Practice Patience and Reduce Judgement

Know that OCD can cause a lot of distress and shame. Try to let go of judgment of your partner to help lessen the distress. Your partner likely has some awareness that their fears and doubts are unrealistic, but they are affecting them tremendously nonetheless. OCD can make people feel very alone, afraid, embarrassed, especially when people feel like it’s out of control and not managed. Be patient with them! It takes time to learn the skills to manage OCD. Give them space to respond to symptoms as they pop up.

Ask About Boundaries And Triggers

After learning more about how OCD affects your loved one’s life. Ask how you might help avoid triggering shame or heightening their symptoms. What are some topics, news stories, or situations that cause their OCD to flare? Ask how you can help them manage symptoms or feel more at ease. Help them explore where they can set boundaries to reduce excessive stress in their life or routine. 

Encourage Growth

Sometimes loved ones worry that if they don’t push or challenge the OCD that their loved one will never be happy. Their symptoms of OCD may be affecting you too. Let them know how hard it is to see them struggle and if it’s affecting you as well without blaming.

For example:

“I feel (xxx), when you (xxx) I know this is hard for you, but our relationship is important to me and I want to explore ways to make it healthier.”

Ask how they would know their OCD is manageable and what you or they can do to help get to a manageable place. When in doubt refer out and encourage therapy and treatment!

Promote Relaxation and Distraction 

The intensity of OCD symptoms can be managed better by reducing stress and practicing more relaxing and distracting activities! What can y’all do together? Mindful, creative, intellectual, and active hobbies are a great way to improve your relationship and help them manage their OCD. Try yoga, painting, building, walks, hikes, cooking or baking together, puzzles, games, or any activities that are shared interests.

What Is “OCD”?

OCD is a commonly referenced acronym for the mental health disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Many people have heard of the term OCD and have a preconceived notion of what this disorder means. Common misconceptions are that it means someone is a “clean freak,” "perfectionist," "type A," or that they can’t leave the house. These are mostly just stereotypes.

While OCD may involve compulsions around cleanliness and order for some, this is not a defining feature of the disorder. Many people with OCD defy these stereotypes—they may be high-functioning, successful, and unconcerned with whether the counters are clean.

OCD is also not just heightened anxiety. A diagnosis of OCD does require the presence of anxious or intrusive thoughts, but these thoughts are so overwhelming that they become “obsessions.” A key component of OCD is that obsessions are followed by compulsive actions. Together, the obsession and compulsion cause dysfunction, dissatisfaction, or impairment to the person’s life and overall wellbeing.

The “O” in OCD: Obsessions

The “O” in Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder stands for “obsessive.” Obsessions are intrusive or unwanted thoughts, urges, or impulses that are persistent and consistent.

What sets obsession apart from general anxiety is how disturbing or distressing the thoughts, images, or impulses are. These thoughts feel so unsettling that the person feels compelled to act to make them go away.

Obsessions may include:

• Unwanted or taboo thoughts, such as imagining yourself doing something you would never intentionally do (e.g., hurting yourself or others).

• Fearful thoughts, like losing control, contaminating others, or spreading disease.

• Order-related impulses, such as needing things to be arranged “just right” in a way only the person with OCD can identify.

Often, these core fears overlap, such as a fear of contamination combined with a fear of harming others. For example, someone with OCD might have a terrifying thought that they unknowingly engaged in unsafe sex, contracted AIDS, and are now spreading it to others.

Living with these distressing thoughts can feel like a personal hell because the thoughts contradict the person’s values, making them feel uniquely scary and uncontrollable. The incongruence between intrusive thoughts and personal beliefs makes the thoughts feel real, adding to the distress.

The “C” in OCD: Compulsions

The “C” in Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder stands for “compulsive.” Compulsions are repetitive actions or mental rituals performed to calm, neutralize, or reduce the distress caused by obsessions.

Compulsions may involve:

• External actions: Handwashing to remove perceived “contamination” or driving back around the block to check you didn’t hit someone.

• Internal rituals: Praying, counting, or mentally reviewing events.

While compulsions provide temporary relief, this relief is usually short-lived and leads to more distress. The fleeting relief reinforces the need to repeat the behavior whenever the obsession arises, and over time, the compulsion can take on a life of its own. For example, handwashing might escalate into excessive handwashing, then excessive showering, and eventually avoiding certain places altogether. At this point, the person’s life becomes consumed not only by the obsession but also by the compulsion.

The “D” in OCD: Disorder

The “D” in OCD stands for “disorder,” which is an important distinction. It separates those with occasional OCD tendencies from those who meet the criteria for a diagnosis.

To be diagnosed, obsessions and compulsions must:

1. Be time-consuming, taking more than one hour per day, or

2. Cause significant impairment in daily life, such as difficulty functioning socially, occupationally, or in other important areas.

Having intrusive thoughts or a preference for cleanliness or order doesn’t necessarily mean you have OCD. If the obsessions and compulsions aren’t paired, aren’t daily and time-consuming, or don’t disrupt your life, they likely don’t meet the criteria for OCD.

Coping With OCD:

OCD is not a death sentence and can be managed. However, it thrives on shame and isolation, so seeking treatment or sharing your experience with others can help tremendously.

In the three remaining blogs in this series, you’ll learn more about how to talk to your loved ones about OCD, manage intrusive and obsessive thoughts, and explore some of the underlying factors of OCD.