What is Trauma?

I often have clients begin therapy by telling me they had idyllic childhoods, wonderful parents, and no traumatic experiences. 

And yet, they experience panic attacks, ruminating thoughts, insomnia, or low self esteem.

How do these people with such lovely lives, develop such limiting, frustrating, even devastating or debilitating symptoms?

The answer? Unresolved and unprocessed experiences, aka “trauma”. 

Now, many may balk at that statement! Perhaps you too feel you’ve had a trauma-free life, and yet experience some of the symptoms listed above. You view yourself as strong and capable, not as a victim with trauma. 

Stick with me here! 

I'm not here to convince you that you are a victim, or that you have some horrific event in your childhood which you’ve suppressed. Nor am I here to ruin your view of your childhood and say you had terrible parents!

I am here to challenge you to look deeper than the surface. To begin to understand the root cause of these symptoms. To validate the significance of the small and often neglected experiences that could be the source of your current struggles. 

“Trauma is an invisible force that shapes our lives. It shapes the way we live, the way we love and the way we make sense of the world. It is the root of our deepest wounds.”

― Gabor Maté

What is Trauma:

Many of us, when we hear the word “Trauma”, we think of combat veterans, car crashes, or other near death events. And you would be somewhat right.

While the things listed above could result in trauma, there is a crucial point I must make: Trauma is NOT an event or thing that happens to you. Trauma is the internal subjective experience of an event, or series of events. 

This means that it is possible for a break-up to be a more traumatic event for someone than being shot at. Pretty wild, huh?

“Trauma is not what happens to you. Trauma is what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you.”

― Gabor Maté 

While experiences such as a car crash, assault, or abuse can certainly traumatize us, there are other powerful experiences that can have pervasive and devastating effects on us called “little-t trauma”. 

Types of Trauma

Big T Trauma refers to those more obvious life-threatening events, or perceived life-threatening events. Events like a natural disaster, assault, bullying, etc. 

Experiencing “Big T Trauma” may or may not develop into PTSD (aka “being traumatized”). This is due to a myriad of reasons, but has to do with your nervous system, brain, and body's sense of helplessness vs power in the moment. 

Two people can experience the exact same event with one person developing PTSD, while the other does not! Again, this is because trauma is our internal subjective experience of something that happens to us.

Little-t trauma typically refers to non life-threatening experiences such as emotional neglect as a child, a pet dying, divorce, or parental inattentiveness.

“Little-t traumas” are the smaller events, or repeated experiences, that we have all experienced in life. 

This can include things that did not happen, but should have, like parental attunement, emotional comfort, love expression, adequate access to support, etc.

Despite the word “little”, these smaller more common traumas can have profound and pervasive effects on our lives. They shape how we define love. They shape what we believe about ourselves. They shape how we see our world, and how we see ourselves in the world. 

AND, they often get overlooked and viewed as unimportant of attention and healing. 

“Children, especially highly sensitive children, can be wounded in multiple ways: by bad things happening, yes, but also by good things not happening, such as their emotional needs for attunement not being met,” 

― Gabor Maté

Are You Really Saying Everyone Has Trauma?

Yep! 

No matter how great our lives have been, no one gets out unscathed. We all have negative experiences that subconsciously affect us in negative ways.

We all have negative beliefs formed from negative experiences. 

We all had imperfect parents and imperfect childhoods.

We all have unresolved memories triggered in our everyday lives. 

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

― Carl Jung

Does Everyone Need Trauma Therapy?

Not necessarily!

It is my belief that while our trauma is never our fault, our healing is always our responsibility.

At the same time, each person has the freedom to decide for themselves how much healing they want to do. 

For many, the effects of their trauma are not painful enough to motivate them to start therapy. Or conversely, many with significant traumas may not be emotionally ready to start facing their traumas and the upheaval that can sometimes bring (both positive and negative).

While anyone wanting to dig into their unresolved traumas can benefit from therapy, there are many ways to experience healing.

You can start by simply becoming the passionate witness to your own emotional and relational wounds. Get curious about your current triggers and begin connecting them with past experiences. Become the compassionate witness to your own wounds.

“One day he told me that he’d spent his adulthood trying to let go of his past, and he remarked how ironic it was that he had to get closer to it in order to let it go.”
― Bessel A. van der Kolk

If you are interested in learning more about healing from past experiences, click the button below to schedule a 20min free consultation with a licensed professional therapist.